Apr 23, 2018 3 min read

According to Fox News, a majority of Americans curse when they are stressed. Most likely, because they’re watching Fox News – or any news for that matter. When I read the report, I said, “No $#!” which, for those of you who don’t read comics, roughly translates to “No duh!”

I learned that a recent study revealed that the average American utters their first curse word by 10:54 a.m. I’m surprised most of us make it that long. I’m also surprised it’s so precise. In a scientific study, it would probably be uncouth to say 10ish or almost 11. Suffice to say, most Americans swear before McDonald’s stops serving Egg McMuffins.

I am happy to report that I am above average in this cursing category. My first off-the-cuff expletive comes well before brunch. I am fluent in foul language. I’m not proud.

For the record, I’d probably curb my tongue around the pope.

I’m just really good at swearing. Several curse words come into my head when the alarm goes off at 6:30 a.m. I may even say them out loud. If I don’t slip in the shower or cut myself shaving, I’ll make it through the first half hour of my day without hurling any obscenities. However, by 7, I’ll hear the local weather report, which, lately, has been, “Cold followed by more cold with a chance of cold,” and I will want to punch Scott Harbaugh in the face.

Is it just me, or does Scott Harbaugh always look like someone’s about to clock him? He’s squinty. He has that face of a dude who just came outside and looked up at the sun, but he lives here so it’s not possible. I will assume he makes that face because he’s always staring at those complicated weather maps. He’s probably deciding which cloud looks like an elephant and which one looks like a dragon.

But I digress, like I do. The weather report in Southwestern Pennsylvania usually gets an early morning expletive out of me.

By the time I hit the morning traffic, I sound like Al Pacino in “Scarface.” I do all of my best cursing before 9 a.m.

If the copier jams before 10, I’m hitting profanities hard, especially when I have to dig in there and try to retrieve bits of crumpled paper. Just when you think you’ve gotten it all cleared out, the machine confirms that you’ve missed an infinitesimal piece of pulp and it’s still jammed. I want to tell the copier, “If you know where it is, you remove it!” Additional colorful words will be added.

By the way, if I have to add toner or paper, there will be more four-letter words spewing forth from my mouth area. If I get said toner on my clothing or person, additional words will be said and regretted. I’m way ahead of the cursing curve.

If we’re being graded on a curve, I’d like to apologize for bringing the rest of you down.