Feb 8, 2018 4 min read

Q.I’m a grandma and my heart is broken. I love my grandson so much. My son-in-law just called to tell me they found he’d been looking at pornography on his tablet! My daughter is also brokenhearted. He is the sweetest little boy. He’s only 11. I guess my son-in-law asked him if he was excited by what he saw, and he admitted he was. Is that normal? At least he’s upset and says he won’t ever do it again. How do I handle this when I see him this weekend?

– Upset Grandparent

Mary Jo’s response: Your words touched my heart. I know this is scary. Watching our little ones change and stretch as they reach for adulthood is difficult at times. Please let me reassure you. He’s still the same little boy. Your grandson is going through a stage of curiosity most children experience. Fifty years ago, he might have tried to look at a naked picture in National Geographic. Thirty years ago, he might have tried to see Playboy or Hustler. His activity isn’t uncommon.

Phones and tablets put computer access into children’s hands. Some studies show children as young as 10 and 11 watch pornography. The difference, in my opinion, between what your own children felt and experienced as they grew and your grandson’s world, is social media. It exposes kids to adult concepts and pictures. I believe we need to teach in the real world, not the world we wish existed. We need to support our children, as you’ll support your grandson. He needs your guidance and love; he is very lucky to have you. You can help him sort out his feelings as he grows. When you see him this weekend, treat him as you’ve always treated him.

You ask if it’s normal for him to be excited. Yes, I believe it is. He is still your grandson, still the boy you love and treasure. His body is changing, and he may be conflicted about many things. How does he handle these feelings and this excitement? Trusted adults like you can ease his shame and help him understand his body and the way it works. He needs support and guidance as he begins to understand his sexuality, just as you’ve given him support and guidance all his life.

Our bodies are hot-wired for pleasure. I use the analogy of candy a lot. I’m not supposed to eat chocolate, although I love it. If I decide to avoid eating chocolate, it’s a lot easier if I don’t go to the candy store. My body’s reaction to chocolate – my mouth watering, my mind sending hunger signals – isn’t something to feel ashamed about. It’s just something to understand and accept. Setting sexual limits is important, but imposing fear and shame about a normal body reaction can close the door to communication just when he needs you most. His body is OK, and his reaction to stimulating images is normal.

Your grandson will someday be an adult. Teach him about consent and respect. I hope he will have a healthy relationship. Sexuality is part of being human. Share how he can make his own choices as a grownup. Be there and hear him.

Peer Educator Alumni response: Many of us watched sexual things online when we were younger. You can help your grandson. Accept him and listen to him. Don’t shame him. You’ll both be OK.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.