Feb 15, 2018 4 min read

Q.I’m a grandma, too. I share your columns with my out-of-state son and his wife. Last week’s really hit home, since he has a 12-year-old son. I talked with my son about the column, and he said he agreed with your advice. We had a great talk. He said he talks openly with his kids. He tells his boy that sex in real life isn’t like pornography, but he doesn’t shame him. I was in the middle of feeling real proud, when my son admitted to watching pornography when he was young! I was stunned. How did I miss this? My son also told me he used pornography as sex education. I’m a big fan of sex ed now but was against it when my children were young. I thought sex ed would make my children think about sex. My son says he thought about sex without ever having sex ed! I know you teach this so I’m sure you believe in it. What do you suggest for my grandson?

~ Another grandma

Mary Jo’s response: I’m positive young people learn sexual things from watching pornography, but I don’t think pornography should be sexuality education.

Before I explain, I’m glad you and your son discussed sexuality. It’s never too late to open a dialogue. I’m pleased your son is communicating with your grandson. Young people need guidance. Real relationships with real people are complicated; pornography doesn’t model communication skills, or the skills needed to obtain consent for sexual experiences. When deciding how to best offer guidance, please consider:

• Prepare children:
• Before giving children access to online information via phones or tablets, teach. Even if children don’t seek adult online content, their friends might. Knowledge about sexuality doesn’t encourage sex, it validates a young person’s humanity. Naming body parts arms children with the tools they need to disclose sexual abuse. Trusted adults need to tell children they will react calmly to anything a child discovers online. Fear will keep young people silent – an adult’s best chance at connection involves openness and honesty.
• Convey values:
• Parents/guardians should discuss their values and model them before teaching them to their children.
• Teach respect:
• Women are often objectified in pornography; in truth, all people are perceived as bodies in porn, not full human beings. Articulate the obvious and call out this truth.
• Teach about body image:
• Few people look as physically attractive as actors and actresses. Children as young as fifth grade seek me out for reassurance. Will their bodies be adequate? I assure them, yes, they’re OK. Their worth is not defined by the size of any body part.
• Discuss violence and aggression:
• Online access can lead to images where violence is glorified, and aggression is prized. Counter those values with information on healthy, respectful relationships, where consent is the most important aspect of any physical contact.
• Talk about expectations:
• Recent research shows that, when young people do become sexually involved, they often expect the kinds of partner responses seen in pornography. If they don’t receive quality sex education, they may think people react sexually the way the paid actors and actresses react.
• Help young people think:
• Young people are smart. Pornography is viewed by many adults for many reasons; its bottom line is profit. Discuss this with honesty. Young people will one day be our leaders. Raising them to consider all aspects of a challenge will help them think critically.

Your son needs your support, as do your grandchildren. You’ve got this!

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.