Jan 8, 2018 4 min read

In the mid-1970s, a Pennsylvania legislator proposed a bill making it illegal for a thrice-divorced person to be married again in the state – three strikes, yer out, bub! There were, of course, problems with applying baseball logic to marriage. Not the least of these was that the bill failed to specify what would happen if a twice-married person decided to keep fouling off partners in an effort to avoid divorce three. Luckily, the bill never became law, and this is why we don’t see today’s judges using video review to decide close divorce cases. Whew!

I, however, firmly believe that there are times when the government should step in to make life easier for us. The state of Oregon did just this in May, when legislators passed a bill allowing those living in counties with fewer than 40,000 residents to pump their own gasoline. All other Oregonians still must have their petrol dispensed by a service station attendant. Only New Jersey retains a complete ban on self-pumping.

You might think that motorists would have jumped for joy when the bill became law Jan. 1.

But many, wanting to protest the decision, instead jumped on Twitter.

“I’ve lived in this state all my life,” one Tweeter wrote, “and I REFUSE to pump my own gas. I had to do it once in California while visiting my brother and almost died doing it. This is a service only qualified people should perform. I will literally park at the pump and wait until someone pumps my gas.”

“I don’t even know HOW to pump gas, and I am 62, native Oregonian. I say NO THANKS! I don’t want to smell like gasoline!” complained another.

What these folks seem to have missed is that self-pumping is not required by law. Those who wish to remain in their vehicles may do so without fear of uniformed government personnel forcing them to take hose in hand at gunpoint.

At least until the uniforms arrive.

Self-service gas pumping became available in Pennsylvania in 1975, about the same time the aforementioned “three strikes” divorce/remarriage bill met defeat. I don’t recall hearing many complaints against self-pumping at the time, but one line of reasoning was that only a “highly trained” attendant could pump gas safely and efficiently. Uncharacteristically, legislators saw through what was clearly an attempt by major oil companies to keep independent operators from siphoning off customers by offering self-service pumping for a few pennies less per gallon. And then there is the matter of exactly how much training is required to pump gas.

In 1967, my high school band set up a fundraiser in which students were allowed to pump gas at a local station, a portion of the proceeds going to band activities. My “training” consisted of having the station owner show me how to remove the car’s gas cap, lift the pump nozzle from its cradle, place said nozzle into the gas filler pipe, and squeeze the nozzle’s handle.

All the while, I had to keep my eye on the pump’s spinning numbers to make sure I didn’t dispense too much or too little gas. Thus enlightened, I could probably have landed a job as a PBD – Petroleum Byproduct Dispenser – without having to again complete the rigorous 30-second course. I chose instead to go to college and study English.

There, highly trained RBDs – Reading Byproduct Dispensers – made sure they kept their nozzles stuck into my brain’s filler pipe until I acquired neither too much nor too little smarts. I thank them daily.

And even if I run out, I can still pump gas.