Jun 4, 2018 3 min read

I celebrated Memorial Day weekend in the traditional way – a beach vacation. I hit two beaches: Virginia and North Carolina. I partied in two states in one long weekend, like a rock star. I just didn’t damage any hotel furniture.

On the last day in the surf and sand, it rained. When you’re on vacation and there’s even a light drizzle, everyone pulls out their phones and becomes indoor activity explorers. I heard, “They’re showing the new ‘Star Wars’ movie in 20 minutes,” and zoom, we were traveling to the cineplex at hyperspace speed.

Side note: Genius get-rich-quick scheme: Open a movie theater in a beachside resort town and pray for rain.

But I digress, like I do. We went to see some younger versions of some old friends, Han Solo, Chewbacca and Lando Calrissian. It was like a high school reunion in reverse. Everyone looked so young it was hard to recognize them. To be fair, they were played by different actors. Even Chewbacca looked thinner. This movie was set way before he ate any space penguins.

We did learn some new things about our cinematic acquaintances.

I learned that Han Solo is great at Space Poker, but Chewie is lousy at Space Checkers. The walking carpet is the sorest of sore losers. He’s been trying to scatter the holographic pieces for 20 years. To be fair, Space Checkers looks really complicated.

Every time I see Lando, I wonder, “Calrissian – is that Armenian?” I would totally watch a show about his rich, young daughters, “The Calrissians.”

This is the second “Star Wars” movie that takes place outside of the trilogies. By the way, three trilogies are an ennealogy, and, technically, “Solo” is a interquel (a story that falls within the timeline of two previous stories). They plan on making a bunch more of these interquels.

Next up is Boba Fett. I always thought Boba Fett was Thai iced tea with tapioca balls in it.

Boba Fett had like two lines in the original trilogy. He’s cool looking, but I don’t know how they’re going to make a movie about a character who had two lines. I had more than two lines when I played a speed-dating host in the short film, “Always a Bridesmaid,” but I don’t think I’m going to get a spin-off.

I just wonder where they’re going to go next. I’m picturing, “Jabba the Hut: When he was skinny.” A giant green slug struggles with his weight issues as he becomes the grossest villain in movie history.

I’m looking forward to a movie about the Mos Eisley Cantina clarinetist. I’m dying to know how they found a clarinet in space. Even in space, jazz is underappreciated.

How about the story of Admiral Ackbar? It would be your classic fish-out-of-water story.

I can’t tell you my opinion on the movie. After 99 trailers about films I don’t want to see, I fell asleep sometime after, “It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far away.”