Jun 28, 2018 4 min read

Q.How do you know when you’re in love? My mom hasn’t had a very good time of it. First, she divorced my dad and then she remarried, and that guy left her. Then she had a boyfriend who cheated on her. Then she broke up with her next boyfriend. What if I never figure out love? How long before I fall in love?

15-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Tough questions! Love is difficult to define. Before we talk about love, though, I want to reassure you. You are not your mom. You’re you. There’s no reason your life and your relationships will be the same as your mother’s. She’s given you an example of relationship failure, but you’re wise enough to know you want a different life. You’re thinking critically about love. Good. Have you tried talking with your mom? She may have wisdom to share.

Love is an emotion. People experience emotions in their own ways. What feels like love to one person may not feel real to another.

Let’s look at types of love. One of my mentors and a dear friend, Dr. Sol Gordan, wrote a book entitled “How Do You Know When You’re Really in Love?” He describes love as immature and mature. Immature love is self-directed and may not lead to a healthy relationship. Mature love is other-directed, where the loved one’s well-being is important. Sol also said a huge myth about love deals with how many times we can fall in love. He taught in our community in the 1990s; he told my students a person can fall in love “at least 18 times!” Sol had a great sense of humor, but he was correct about one important point. Love can happen more than once. Love also changes and grows over time. Maintaining a healthy relationship needs a love foundation as well as commitment to make the relationship work.

It’s also important to decide if one is experiencing love or lust. Lust is all about attraction. I personally believe in lust at first sight, not love at first sight, despite all the old Disney movie messages. The Little Mermaid gave up her kingdom and her voice for a man she didn’t know! Lust can happen quickly. Love usually takes time. We get to know the person we love, and that person gets to know us. Love isn’t about perfection. When we fall in love and the love grows, our partner is someone we love with their imperfections. When we are loved, we are loved with all our faults.

Be open to friendship. Be respectful and giving and kind. Love may sneak up on you when you don’t expect it. Please believe me – love will happen. When you feel as if spending time with another person makes your life better, when you are free to grow and seek your dreams with this person, and when you both listen to each other with respect, you will begin to understand love. Lust is typically part of love, but relationships based on sex alone may not lead to love.

Trust yourself. You’re worth the wait.

Peer Educator response: Love doesn’t happen right away. It is complicated and unpredictable. It doesn’t usually happen at 15! Love is an emotional connection, not a physical one. You could be falling in love with someone and not realize it. A good indicator of feelings may be a fear of losing this person in your life. You need to think of a person for their qualities. It helps if you genuinely can picture a future with them. Sometimes you’re wrong; sometimes you’re not. Try to protect your heart until you find someone worthy of your love. Don’t settle for somebody just because they treat you nicely. A few broken hearts might happen along the way, but once you find the person you love, you’ll know. Everything else that happened to that point will make sense.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.