Mar 12, 2018 3 min read

I have never been a fan of creatures that eat people. I like to stay away from bears, sharks and cannibals. I’m looking at you, Hannibal Lecter!

I particularly don’t like crocodiles and alligators. They look like they’re left over from the Jurassic Period – because they are!

They’ve been around for millions of years. You think they would’ve learned how to make their own jewelry by now.

Side note: Remember the wise words of Clairee Belcher. She said, “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”

But I digress, like I do. A few days ago, an alligator went on a scenic tour of a strip mall in Florida. The alligator was traversing the distance between two ponds on opposite sides of the mall and decided to browse. If it was just cutting through between the two ponds, does that make it an alley gator?

According to sources, Denise Nichols-Gearhardt spotted the gator at the strip mall. Denise works at the Junque in the Trunk antique and consignment shop.

I swear I’m not making this up.

The reptilian window shopper paused in front of a doughnut shop before the police arrived and guided it back to the pond. The police offered the gator aid.

Say that out loud.

Nichols-Gearhardt filmed the incident.

I am always astonished by the resilience of Floridians. They see an alligator wandering around a strip mall and go, “Hey, let’s get this on camera.” I’d be the guy running and screaming in the background.

Several years ago, I visited my friend Heidi in Orlando. She lived in a house that Disney built. It wasn’t Cinderella’s castle, it was Celebration.

The town square had a lovely little pond with sprinklers jutting out, casting water high into the sky. There was a gazebo, decorated with twinkling, white lights. Everything was picture perfect in the prefabricated, pristine neighborhood. Except one thing … there was a green, reptilian bump in that pond. You guessed it! It was the top of an alligator’s forehead. He was just sticking out far enough to scope out the scene – with his beady little, reptilian eyes.

Heidi and I were biking from her place to a diner on Main Street. I inquired about the green bump in the water. Heidi said the alligator had been living in the pond outside the shops for some time. She assured me it was safe. I would have been in more danger if I was a dog, muskrat or some other small, four-legged varmint. Nevertheless, I upped my RPMs and skedaddled toward our destination, like Shaggy when he sees a ghost. Zoinks!

I learned that I can haul butt on a bicycle if there’s an alligator nearby. Now, that’s a scary idea for a spin class!

The Floridians have become complacent. They just guide the gators back to swamps – instead of making shoes out of them. Though, I bet there’s a nice handbag in the Junque in the Trunk antique and consignment shop.