May 24, 2018 6 min read

Q.Let me say up front that I really don’t have any bad feelings about LGB teens. Not at all. I just am troubled about something that happened. There’s this really, really great girl who is my best friend. We’ve been friends since like the second grade. I’m definitely straight, so she’s my friend only. I have a really, really great guy in my life, too. What do you think about what just happened at lunch? This best friend (who happens to be a girl, just so you don’t get confused) and me were laughing about something that happened at prom. We both were there with dates, but we all hung out together. We laughed so hard I snorted milk out of my nose! So, my best friend (who happens to be a girl) says to me, while she’s laughing her butt off, “I love you so much!” No big deal. I tell her I love her all the time. But this other girl at the table said in a rude way, “You two are dykes.” I didn’t know what to say. Frankly, my sexuality is none of this girl’s business. And, I didn’t want it to look like I’d be upset if my best friend (who happens to be a girl) was my for real girlfriend, like as if we were attracted to each other. But, we’re not. So, I said nothing and it got real awkward and the lunch bell finally rang like after a zillion minutes. Why can’t two girls (or two guys for that matter) say they love one another without people getting all into their business and making judgments?

-17-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: There are layers to your question. I’m pleased you took the time to write.

Let’s talk about love first. Human beings love in different ways. We love our parents, our grandparents, and our siblings. We love our pets. We may genuinely love the trusted adults in our lives who mentor and teach us. Love between friends is healthy; friendship is one of the nicest ways to share life with others. Platonic love is love free of sexual desire. It appears you and your best friend (who is a girl) share this type of love. Good. Enjoy connection with a person who is your age and shares many of your experiences. Laughing together is an integral part of friendship. I’ve snorted milk out of my nose as well … it’s a bizarre experience, but laughing about it with a friend can make it a fond memory.

The second layer of your question deals with bullying. I don’t know if you perceived the rude words as bullying, but they could be. You are absolutely correct. Your private life, which includes your sexuality, is none of her business. I’m an Olweus Bullying Prevention Program certified trainer; Olweus is a systemic way to approach bullying (meaning it is applied to every aspect of a school, from the bus drivers to the administration). I’ve learned a person who bullies isn’t insecure, as many people think, but rather is someone who wants power over another, especially over time. Was this girl rude in the past, to you or to others? I’m guessing there were other people at your lunch table. Those people are called bystanders. One of the goals of bullying prevention is teaching bystanders to become supporters. It sounds as if most people were passive, which means they said nothing to defend you and your best friend.

The third layer of your concern deals with homophobia. You said you didn’t want people to think you’d be upset if your best friend, with whom you share the love of a platonic friendship, was a romantic partner. Your desire to appear open to a same-sex relationship, even if you’re not drawn to one, shows your sensitivity to the reality of two girls – or two boys – being mocked if they are attracted to one another. Homophobia refers to dislike or prejudice against people who identify as gay. Your silence was awkward because you didn’t know how to respond. Imagine your feelings if you were actually in a romantic relationship with your friend. Consider how it would feel to be hated because of your identity. Your final sentence is thought-provoking. In our culture, would it be more difficult if two males showed platonic love?

Model respect for all people, and expect respect yourself. Perspective – seeing through another’s eyes – is important. In many cultures, showing affection and love for friends, regardless of gender, is common. Growing up in an Italian culture, I often witnessed two men or two women hug and demonstrate platonic love. In your case, the culture of your lunch table refers to the way the people at the table act as a group. Modeling respect and continuing to laugh with your best friend is a good way to stand for what you believe.

After something happens, we often think of ways we wished we reacted. I think this incident troubles you because you wish you’d said something. In truth, you didn’t owe the speaker an explanation. Your friendship is fine just as it is. You’re OK. If the girl continues to harass you and your best friend, following up may be a good idea. As always, our peer educators have some wisdom for you.

Stay strong. You are a person of worth.

Peer Educator responses: We think too many people are too quick to judge. This type of bullying shouldn’t be tolerated. You have a few choices: 1. Report it to a teacher or another trusted adult. 2. Ignore the person. We love our friends too. Love should not be a word with only one meaning. We all love in different ways. 3. Think about ways you can change things. When people judge and make those kinds of comments, sometimes it helps to be thankful and try to understand. Be thankful you have a great best friend who can make you laugh so hard milk comes out of your nose! Try to understand the person judging you may not have a friend like that. Sometimes when this happens to us – and it does – we feel badly for the bully. It’s still not OK behavior. Be a strong bystander and stand up for those who are bullied.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.