Apr 8, 2019 3 min read

Last time we were together I regaled you with stories about wackadoos in the state of Florida doing all sorts of weird and illegal things (by the way, there is a restaurant named Wackadoo’s in Orlando, and it couldn’t have been more aptly named or more conveniently located).

But Florida isn’t the only state with weirdos. I found nutjobs doing crazy things in all 50 states. So, to spare Florida any further embarrassment, I’ve decided to share some of those stories here.

Dale Sourbeck, a Pennsylvanian man, broke into the Rock Street Music store – in the middle of the night – and stole two guitars. But that’s not where the story ends! He came back – wearing a mask – and stole three more.

That’s a lot of guitars.

Surveillance cameras caught him in the act. The outside camera even got a shot of the license plate on his car.

Side note: Dear criminals, make sure you park right next to the store you intend to rob. We want to make this as easy as we can for the police.

When he was arrested, he made a two-word statement, “Go Eagles!”

I assume he meant the sports team. He also could have meant the band. I’m pretty sure Eric Clapton already has five guitars.

Last year, a Virginia man stole an armored personnel carrier – the kind they used to storm the beaches in Normandy. The thief procured the vehicle from Fort Pickett, an Army National Guard base in Blackstone, Va.

Side note: Dear National Guard, you need to watch your stuff more closely. The word guard is right there in your name!

The unidentified man traveled to the Capitol Building in Richmond at a speed of 40 mph, leading police on a 60-mile chase.

I guess the police could catch up to it – since it was only going 40 mph – but I bet they weren’t sure what to do when they did. It was a freaking tank!

Luckily, he gave up. He just stopped the vehicle and got out. He was immediately arrested. Somehow, he kept his name out of the papers. I suspect he was a high-ranking military official, because you know that if you or I took the thing, they’d plaster our faces all over the world.

Finally, a California man stole a chainsaw – by sticking it down his pants.

Even if it’s not powered up, I don’t want a chainsaw anywhere near the contents of my underwear.

I can’t understand how you can walk out of a store with a three-foot-long chainsaw bulking up your jeans and not be noticed.

He shoved the blade down the front of his pants and covered up the handle under his light tan jacket. Clearly, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.

P.S. Even though he was caught on camera, he got away with it!

By the way, if any of you are in the market for a guitar, a chainsaw or a tank, let me know. I got a guy.