Dec 12, 2019 5 min read

Q. When will I get my daughter back? Since she turned 13 she’s all attitude and anger. Her teachers tell me she’s great at school. She is a good student. Why is she so nasty to live with here at home? – Frustrated parent

Mary Jo’s response: Your daughter is right there, just different; puberty affects everyone physically and emotionally. Do you remember? We all go through periods of change in life. At 13, your daughter faces a hormonal cocktail that often leads to behavioral change. She’s still your daughter.

I think most parents realize what’s happening to their children during puberty, yet your question is a common one. Adults tend to forget what it felt like to be a teen. Life moves quickly. Thirteen-year-olds in 2020 are different from their parents at their age in terms of technology like social media and phones, but the basic upside-down, inside-out confusion of puberty is unchanged by the passage of time. Along with the consistency of tween angst comes the inevitable parental complaints. It’s a shame we cannot have a brief moment of Freaky Friday switching to gain perspective!

Toddlerhood is often called first adolescence. Two-year-olds assert their need for independence in unique ways – no two toddlers are alike. Cutting a peanut butter sandwich in half or asking a toddler to put on clean p.j.’s can be emotionally shattering; parents find themselves scrambling for responses to tantrums. Yet, we often find these “growing pains” cute and endearing.

Our teens need for their own type of independence seems more irritating than that of toddlers, but it’s all part of the process of reaching for adulthood. Each teen is unique. Each teen is a person of worth. I enjoy spending time with teens and find them to be wise, dynamic, inspiring and full of life.

You ask why your daughter is a good student and well-behaved at school, but nasty at home. It’s basic – where do we give ourselves the freedom to express our emotions? For most of us, it’s in places where we’re safe and with people we know will still love us when they see us let down our guard. Adults do this as well. How many parents speak and act at home as they do in their place of employment? Home is where we feel free to release tension; home is where we often show our worst behavior.

The key to surviving a young teen’s changes lies with connection. Just as you crafted responses for your toddler’s acting out that supported her while setting fair limits, you need to call out your young teen’s behavior with kindness and respect. Here are some hints:

Respect her. The easiest way for teens to respect adults is for adults to model respect. If we wouldn’t scream at a co-worker, “I pay for this office. Look at this messy desk! Clean it up right now!” we shouldn’t use such a tone with teens.

Listen to hear her. Teens need trusted adults in their lives as much as toddlers need guidance. Use open-ended questions reflecting your observations. “It looks like today was stressful. What can I do to ease your stress?”

Model kindness. Look for the why of behavior, not the how. Yes, she’s angry. She may even have an attitude. What’s happening in her life? How can you give her independence while maintaining limits?

Communicate clearly. Affirm her worth. Tell her how much she means to you. Acknowledge how challenging her recent behavior is without putting her down. Share how you felt as a young teen.

Remember your relationship is lifelong. Someday you will want to be friends. Now you’re her parent; that role is vital. However, be aware of how swiftly teen years pass by. She’ll be 18 and seeking a life of her own soon. Find times to step away from stressful situations and just enjoy one another.

Remember playing with her as a 3-year-old? Three- and 4-year-olds admire us – they think we’re smart and wise. Not so much 13- and 14-year-olds – it’s as if we’ve lost our wisdom! Early adolescence is a time of testing – teens test themselves and the people around them. When I said she’s still your daughter, I want to encourage you to see that 3-year-old inside her. Watch her when she lets down her guard. She’s on the cusp of adolescence; her life often feels weird and out of control, and she’s on stage all day at school. Give her space.

Set clear limits. I recommend contracts for phone use or homework or any other area of tension. The agreement can be in writing and should outline your expectations for her as well as mutually agreed upon consequences for behavioral breech.

You know your daughter better than anyone. Lead with love.

Peer Educator response: It is annoying when adults forget what it felt like to grow up. It’s great that you wrote to Ms. Mary Jo, but the person you need to talk with is your daughter. Please don’t refer to us as nasty. Meet us halfway. Most teens really do want to connect. You’re the adult. Give us a chance.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com/.