Dec 19, 2019 5 min read

Q. I want to know why my mom doesn’t understand where I’m coming from sometimes. She thinks she knows what’s best for me but sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes I think she doesn’t want me to be happy. I wish she would see my point of view. – 16-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I can imagine how frustrated you must feel. Few people are closer to us than our mothers, yet few people in our lives can confuse us as much. The key to your concern is communication and connection; communication is a two-way street. Let’s talk.

I’m going to respond to you with three voices – one as a daughter, because I was one, one as a mother, because I am one, and one as a counselor and an educator. What you’re experiencing is common. I sense you think your feelings are rare. Please believe me – they are not. Your situation can improve, nonetheless.

All families are different. All mother/child relationships are different. Some parents are deeply connected with their children, while others seem to get lost during parenting and miss the most vital part of raising young people – communicating with them and loving them unconditionally.

I don’t know how your mom parents, but I do sense you want to connect with her. You want her to know your dreams. You want to share your need for independence. You want her to listen to you. You want her to see your point of view and want you to be happy, which really means you want her to see you as you are.

I want to share a few personal things. Please know that my life is completely different from yours; there is no perfect mother/young person relationship.

I loved my mother deeply, but when I was a teen, I didn’t think she saw my point of view. In time, we became very close, but in adolescence, I now know she was so worried about me she sometimes forgot to hear me. She listened, but she didn’t always hear. I do know she always wanted me to be happy, but she wanted me to live the life she thought would make me happy, not the one in my dreams. I was very fortunate. My father was a great communicator, even though he had no formal education. It was he who brought us together. He helped us both share our feelings. To my surprise, I discovered my mom was just as frustrated as I. Her plans for me were built on her perception of happiness. She wanted to protect me.

As a mother, I often wished I could figuratively wrap my children in bubble wrap and protect them from all harm. Being a parent is intense. The love I felt for my children as they grew into adulthood was powerful. Love, for all it’s beauty, can make a person worry. It can even blind someone to the needs of the person we’re trying to protect.

As a counselor and educator, I teach communication skills. Do you have an adult family member who could be a buffer for you? Is there someone like my father who could mediate your first communication with your mom? Your mom needs to know how you feel. Sharing with her is important. She can’t see your point of view if she doesn’t know it.

I suggest you begin gently. Ask her to spend some time alone with you – no phones, no distractions. Tell her what makes you happy. Ask her what she thinks will make you happy. She needs to hear you. You also need to hear her. Ask her why she thinks she knows what’s best for you. Respect her words, but share your dreams.

I do an exercise called Be There, where two people take turns speaking for an assigned amount of time, typically a minute. When one person is speaking, the other must be silent – no verbal responses, just body language. After each person speaks, the other person repeats what they heard. They then switch. The speaker becomes the listener. I set a guideline of no judgment. The exercise goal is increasing connection. Try it or something like it. Practice listening to each other.

You are maturing. Your point of view is important; your mom’s fears for you need to be discussed openly. If communication fails, you could ask to go to a family counselor to help you both.

You have a right to your own life. You also owe your mom respect. You are both people of worth. Your mom has the wisdom of living longer than you and raising you from birth. You have the wisdom of knowing your identity as it grows. Communication may connect your dreams with hers. Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com/.