Dec 26, 2019 4 min read

While searching for a question this week, I came upon this column from December 22, 2016. I seldom recycle columns; this one reminded me how challenging holidays can be for many. The list below – created in the 90s by a 15-year-old in placement – still echoes with courage and hope.

Teen concerns during holidays are complicated. Many young people are troubled, trying to juggle work, school and relationship challenges at a time of year where they are expected to be happy.

If you know young people, help them seek joy. Listen to them. Hear them. Affirm them. Hold space with them. The greatest gift we can give one another is respect for each person’s worthiness. I wish you the gifts of hope and joy.

Q: Can you help me reclaim my Christmas spirit? I’m the mom of two boys, ages 8 and 10. I’ve always loved Christmas, but this year I can’t find a reason for excitement. Money is tight. As a child, I remember receiving everything on my Christmas list. That simply isn’t possible for my kids. I don’t go to church, and my ex is an atheist, so traditionally this holiday has been Santa focused. This year, neither of my boys believe in Santa. I want to return to church with them, but fear I may not be accepted after so many years absent. I’m not depressed, but I can’t seem to muster enthusiasm for the holiday. I want to, for my children.

-Former student

Mary Jo’s Response: Your search for joy to give your boys inspires my Christmas spirit. They’re fortunate you’re their mom. It may surprise you to hear how busy I am around holidays; young people often expect magical experiences and are disappointed when reality doesn’t match expectation. Many of my most poignant calls from teens occur on Christmas.

Parenting is not a casual job. Your sons learn from your example. Consider carefully the message you want to convey. Seeking joy daily and offering gratitude for life can model important skills, not only at Christmas. You don’t need to be constantly upbeat; your presence and the care you give to creating a loving family will echo in your sons’ memories. Family is a great gift. Focus on your time together, on creating a holiday meal, and on sharing experiences and giving to others.

Like many holidays, Christmas is commercialized. Perhaps it reflects our culture’s continued obsession with acquiring things – I know most young people associate the holiday with presents. Providing gifts for our children is gratifying, but teaching them to give is life-affirming. Not all gifts need to be purchased. Consider involving your sons in activities like baking, creating homemade cards and presents, and making coupons for gifts of time and energy. Promises to help a sibling with homework, clear snow from sidewalks, or spend time with an older relative or neighbor are gifts of the spirit.

If you want to return to church, do so. Addressing the spirituality of Christmas will give your sons a reason for the celebration without Santa. You don’t mention your ex’s current connection with the children; I think a respectful discussion of their other parent’s belief system is important.

Over two decades ago, I spent time on Christmas Eve with a young person living in a juvenile facility. She had little to celebrate; material goods were not part of her expectation for the holiday.

I gave her an “old fashioned” gift of yarn and needles, since she expressed an interest in learning to knit. We created a list of reasons for joy as a way of helping her focus on the positive in her life. She recently sent me a Christmas card and enclosed the list. I was pleased she retained it. I’ll share it with you here, with the reminder that seeking joy can be a daily priority.

Reasons for Joy at Christmas:

1. I’m not alone. There are people who care about me.

2. I can give to others. Watching someone open a gift I make for them will be wonderful.

3. I have food I like to eat.

4. If I think about others, I won’t feel sorry for myself.

5. The Christmas story is about love and family and sacrifice. I don’t have all I want right now, but I know I can create my own family someday.

6. I am responsible for finding reasons to be happy. I can do this.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.