Feb 4, 2019 3 min read

Groundhog Day freshly behind us for another year, it’s time for the first news quiz of 2019.

1. Last week much of the United States was in the grip of a deadly Polar Vortex. Until local weather forecasters explained the phenomenon, most people thought Polar Vortex was:

a) The latest flavor of Klondike ice cream bar

b) The new James Bond villain

c) A metal band from Alaska

d) A new video game from the makers of Fallout

e) Steeler Antonio Brown’s preferred new name

2. Ohio’s Spangler candy company – maker of Dum Dums, candy canes and Necco wafers – has announced that due to needed renovations to its manufacturing facility, its popular Valentine’s Day confection SweetHearts will not be available this year. But Spangler plans to make it up to us next year. What new candies are under consideration?

a) SourHearts: Hearts with offensive sayings for those who hate Valentine’s Day

b) Rummy Tum Tums: A Christmas candy/digestive aid consisting of 90 percent rum and cane sugar

c) Ecco wafers: Thin candy made from recycled cardboard

d) Dums: Dum Dums, but with half the calories

e) HeartMarks: Highmark Officially Approved Valentine’s Day hearts with snappy sayings such as: “Sorry, your procedure is not approved.”

3. Calling it a “Democratic power grab,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell last week poo-pooed the idea of making Election Day a federal holiday. What counter offer did McConnell make to increase voter turnout?

a) Vote Republican, get one free McDonald’s hamberder a day for life

b) Vote Republican once, have the same vote counted automatically for perpetuity

c) Vote Republican, find out what “covfefe” really means

d) Vote Republican, name your own Supreme Court justice

e) Vote Republican, have your family declared the 51st state

4. Big-box retailer Costco turned heads by selling a 27-pound bucket of macaroni and cheese that the company claims will remain edible for 20 years. Don’t expect, however, to pry open the lid to find a mass of congealed cheese & noodles ready for shoveling. The bucket contains 180-individually packaged servings. The product is currently unavailable, though. In the meantime, what other bulk foods might you consider purchasing?

a) Twinklinks: 250,000 Twinkies linked together with kite string. Predicted to last 1,000 years or through one Super Bowl party.

b) PennDOT Pudding: 50-gallon drum of whatever it is that PennDOT uses to fill potholes. Expected to last about half of one freeze/thaw cycle.

c) Gummy Beers: Rubbery candy flavored with craft beers from local microbreweries. Sold in cases of 5,000 only.

d) DIY Primanti’s Kit: Bread, eggs, assorted meat, coleslaw and french fries. $2,000. Makes seven sammiches.

e) Werner von Braunschweiger: Liver sausage that comes packaged in a tube approximately the size of the Saturn V rocket booster that took Apollo 11 to the moon.

5. The “Bird-Box Challenge,’ an Internet phenomenon spawned by the movie “Bird Box,” has resulted in multiple injuries. In the Sandra Bullock film, characters must wear blindfolds to avoid looking at a monster that forces people to kill themselves. In real life, a Utah teen damaged her car severely while driving blindfolded with a friend. Which of the following is another example of people going around blindfolded?

a) Believing that the check really is in the mail

b) Thinking Ted Nugent is rational

c) Cat owners who say they can control their pets

d) A woman who thinks she can change her boyfriend after marriage

e) NFL officials