Feb 25, 2019 3 min read

This month, I had a joke published in the Reader’s Digest. Most people I told would cock their head and say, “Huh. They STILL make Reader’s Digest?”

“Yes. And it’s very popular!”

I try not to say it too defensively. I guess I shouldn’t shout it so loudly.

The joke was in the “All in a Day’s Work” section of the magazine. It went like this:

As the dentist labored over my teeth, he tried to make small talk. “What do you do?” he asked. “I answered, “I’m a comedian.”

“Interesting.” After a pause, he said, “Let’s get an impression – “

“It’s more observational humor, actually,” I interrupted. “I don’t do impressions.”

The dentist continued, “- of your teeth.”

It’s an embarrassingly true story that I sold to the Digest about two months ago.

My friend Tom called and said, “I was in the doctor’s office and I glanced at a Reader’s Digest when I read this joke and saw your name.”

If it was 1975, I’d be famous. In the olden days the Digest was everywhere. Now, the magazine can be found in the doctor’s office.

Most people get stuck reading the Digest. They don’t read it on purpose. They come across it while sitting in a hard, plastic blue chair waiting for an oil change.

Picture it, you look up from an article titled, “The 12 craziest things Walmart employees have seen at work” only to find out you need a new air filter. They always get you on that air filter.

When my book, “Below Average Genius,” came out, most people told me they read it in the bathroom. Most essays in the book are about 500 words (the length of this column). None of the stories connect, so you didn’t have to engage too deeply. Sadly, it’s the perfect place to read it.

Guess where they keep the Digest?

Yes. I’m still read almost exclusively in bathrooms. Someday, I’m going to have to write a romance or sci-fi so I can get off the commode. I want to make it to the bed, or, at the very least, the nightstand.

Reader’s Digest is in very few people’s homes nowadays. If you’re a teenager, you’ve probably have never heard of Reader’s Digest. Demographically, it skews older.

Great. I guess I’m “grandma famous.”

I’m popular with people who eat Lorna Doones. Yes. They still make those, too!

I’m not saying you’re old if you read the Digest. I’m just saying that if you have a subscription to RD, you’re also likely to have hard candy in a glass dish on your coffee table.

That’s the real problem with millennials. Would it kill you kids to put out some Werther’s Originals when people stop by?

But I digress, like I do. I am very proud to be published in a national magazine, especially one as esteemed as Reader’s Digest. I’m just trying to be up in your face all the time. This way, you won’t forget my birthday.