Jul 8, 2019 3 min read

Happy belated July 4, everyone! I hope you don’t mind that my blog is a little late this week. I had a hard time getting started: I guess my arms are still a little tired from hugging American flags.

Good thing I can dictate this to my chief of staff, Wanda, who used what she calls “voice descripting” to talk it into something called an “EyePhone.” More on these marvels of American ingenuity when I have the facts.

But first, let me digress for a moment to address something that troubles me deeply: I am told that several people complained to town council that I endangered children by throwing miniature American flags mounted to toothpick “poles” from my vintage T-Bird during the Independence Day parade. The main complaint was, “You could put someone’s eye out with them!” We’re looking into ways to rectify that situation. Maybe we’ll put corks on the pointy ends next year.

Anyway, it was a great day in my little neighborhood! It’s tucked into the rapidly beating heart of Mainstream America, just a couple of hard right turns from Main Street U.S.A., which runs through beautiful downtown Mainburgh, U.S.A.

My neighbors never noticed the Army surplus tanks that I had placed in my front yard on July 3! I guess they were too busy looking up at the Stealth Bomber flyover. You do know they’re invisible, right? I had a great laugh watching my neighbors stare up at what they thought was a clear blue sky, scratch their heads and wonder what was breaking windows and uprooting small trees.

Plane. Invisible. Wonder Woman. Same technology. I still haven’t figured out how the pilots can find them to climb into the cockpits. I’ll leave that problem for some bookworm while I concentrate on MOGNEGOOOA – Making Our Great Nation Even Greater Over and Over and Over Again!

But I can tell you this: When my neighbors heard the F-35 engines, their souls trembled and they knew the day of reckoning had arrived. They were really, really trembling. They were trembling even more than the Iron Sheik when he faced Hulk Hogan in the Squared Circle! What a great time for American athleticism that was!

After the flyover, the real party started. It was so great! Ted Nugent never sounded better! No one called the police to complain about it being too loud this year, either. Wouldn’t have mattered if they had because most of the police were out sick – caught some bug from the homeless sleeping next to where the Starbucks used to be before the bombers’ shockwaves leveled it.

After things settled down a bit, we used the fires started by Ted’s flaming arrows to roast hot dogs made from American cows and marshmallows picked from American marshes.

All in all, it was ARGTUMMTPMMTIMVIPB- A Really Great Time Using Money Meant to Pay My Mortgage to Indulge My VIP Buddies.

Let’s do it all again on Labor Day! You can have the day off.

I’ll find the money somewhere.