Mar 25, 2019 3 min read

What the heck is happening in the Sunshine State? There’s a new Internet game called “Florida Man.” It’s easy and fun to play. Just Google the words “Florida Man” and add your birthday (just the day and month – the year is unnecessary). Several surprising results appeared.

In October, around my birthday, there was this tidbit: “Florida man threw a live alligator through the drive-through window at a Wendy’s.”

You have to be really angry at the burger people if you start throwing alligators at them. You don’t hurl a reptile at Wendy’s if your Frosty melted. This guy was short a few french fries in his Biggie order, if you know what I mean.

How did he even procure a live alligator in the first place?

If you’re angry with a fast-food joint, write an angry email. Don’t throw swamp creatures at it. That doesn’t solve the problem.

Another Florida man, and reptile store owner (naturally), slapped his employees with a bearded dragon lizard after swinging it around in the air. There’s a lot of reptile stories in Florida for some reason. It was bound to happen.

Of course, I had to look up more dates in the Florida Man game.

There must have been something peculiar in the water on May 8, because on that same day two hilarious headlines happened: “Squirrel attacks Florida man, rodent was raised by neighbor,” and “Florida man claiming to be ‘an agent of God’ caught carrying a rattlesnake to Jacksonville Beach.”

I want video! I would like to see a trained squirrel attack someone.

It’s a shame these headlines took place some distance from one another, because the rattlesnake could have made short work of an attacking squirrel.

In February, a Florida man who had sex with a dolphin said it seduced him. I still think he did it on porpoise.

You may groan.

Here are some other winners:

“Florida man catches shark that bit him, pledges to eat it.”

Honestly. I don’t blame this dude. I think I’d do the same thing in his shoes (or shoe – it doesn’t say if his leg was still attached after his shark bite).

“Florida man impersonating a police officer pulls over real cops.”

“Florida man interested in getting Tased runs through airport in his underwear waving Nunchucks.”

“Florida man dances on top of police cruiser to ward off vampires.”

“Florida man arrested for Grand Theft after trying to walk out of store with AK-47s stuffed down his pants.”

“Eighty-two-year-old Florida man slashes 88-year-old woman’s tires with an ice pick for taking his seat at Bingo.”

So much for “Move your feet, lose your seat.” Where do you even find an ice pick in Florida?

“Florida man dressed as a pirate arrested for firing a musket at passing cars.”

“Florida man flees library on scooter after smelling woman’s feet.”

Next time I think I want to live somewhere warmer, cut this article out and show it to me. I think I’ll stick with Pittsburgh.