Healthy relationships require trust
Notice: Undefined variable: article_ad_placement3 in /usr/web/cs-washington.ogdennews.com/wp-content/themes/News_Core_2023_WashCluster/single.php on line 128
Q.What if I have sex and then the person gets mad at me later and says I forced her? I haven’t had sex yet, but this worries me. I heard my dad say you can’t trust girls.
14-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: Your question shows you’re thinking about consent, although from a defensive and negative position. I’m glad you asked me this question.
When I train other professionals to teach, I often tell them to look for the “question behind the question.” I try to discover what someone is really asking me. Your question sounds like it’s about sex and sexual assault, but your comment about your dad also tells me it’s about a very important and basic human quality – trust.
Let’s talk about trust first. I believe people develop their strong opinions as a result of what they’re taught and what they experience. A statement like your dad’s is a generalization – a belief applied to all members of a group. I don’t know your father, but I’m guessing he came to this statement as a result of negative past experiences. Think about it. How would you feel if I told you all boys shouldn’t be trusted? Wouldn’t that offend you? With respect to your dad as a person, I believe generalizing about an entire group isn’t accurate. People are different. Some people are more trustworthy than others, and gender is not connected to trust. Girls are no more or less trustworthy than boys.
Healthy relationships require trust. Two people who hope to connect need to know one another, communicate well, be honest, trust one another, compromise, respect each other, and listen to what each person wants. Learning how to read and respect body language – what people say without words – is important as well.
Time to think. Are you surprised when I say your question is about consent, but from a defensive position? Why do you think I mentioned your question as negative? Do you have any good friends? Did you begin your friendships by imagining them hurting you or betraying you? I doubt it. Few friendships survive when they begin negatively. Friendships, like healthy relationships, start with getting to know another person. In time, a casual friendship can blossom into one that is lifelong. As friendships grow, trust is reinforced. Friends learn to respect one another.
When two people are sexually involved, they connect physically. In my opinion, before anything physical happens, they should communicate. They should establish a foundation of respect, where consent is a huge part of their connection. Sexual consent means two people agree to do something sexual. Consent is part of life and isn’t just about sex. I believe in teaching small children to ask permission and receive permission from others. I wrote “Nonnie Talks about Consent” to teach children. One of the examples I use in the book is a boy who doesn’t like his MeeMaw (grandma) pinching his cheeks. The Nonnie character helps him communicate his need for consent while still respecting and loving his MeeMaw. Consent is basic to human interaction.
Your fear of being accused of sexual assault means you’re not sure how to communicate consent before you do anything sexual. An open conversation, an awareness of body language, and a willingness to respect a partner’s wishes, even if they change, are keys to healthy relationships.
Let’s look at facts. Research shows only 2 to 8 percent of all rape accusations are false. Most people don’t even report sexual assault. Figures from the US Bureau of Justice Statistics suggest only 35 percent of all sexual assaults are even reported to the police. Just because someone doesn’t report a crime doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Too often survivors of sexual assault – of all genders – fear they won’t be believed or will be shamed by others if they report. RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, offers information on not only statistics like these, but also on consent. https://www.rainn.org/. If you’re old enough to think about sex, you’re old enough to get informed about consent.
Live respectfully. Be sure you’re mature and ready for sexual involvement. Talk with a trusted adult. We can continue talking – it’s my pleasure to listen as you sort out your feelings. It’s normal for someone your age to think about sex; thinking about sex doesn’t mean a person is mature enough to handle it. Communicate with a potential partner. Respect your partner and yourself. Conduct your life in a trustworthy way, and try not to generalize an entire group of people based on rumors or bias. Take relationships slowly. Seek consent, even for simple sexual things like kissing. I wish you a relationship based on mutual trust and consent and respect – when the time is right! Thanks for thinking!
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.