May 20, 2019 3 min read

There is a certain madness in going to the grocery store. Just when you have the layout memorized, they move everything. Aisle three is no longer cereal! That’s news! Someone should put this headline above the fold: They’ve rearranged the Shop ‘n Save!

Let me tell you what happened. Even though I’m going to sound like a slightly more male version of Erma Bombeck, I’m going to say it anyway, “I went in for just one thing!”

Side note: Dear Millennials, Erma was the Roman goddess of suburban, domestic humor. That’s one hundred percent Bullfinch.

But I digress, like I do. I walked into the store to buy a cherry yogurt, which is way in the back in the refrigerated section. If you’re a cold-blooded lizard person like me, you probably think the whole store is refrigerated. It is not. It just feels that way.

I was in the bread aisle muttering silently, “The bread used to be over there.” Though no one was listening, I bopped my head toward the former repository of the wheat, rye and Wonder varieties.

When I finally arrived at the chilled section (more chilled section), I scanned the shelves for the yogurt that matched my coupon. There are now fourteen million kinds of yogurt (some are spelled yoghurt). Looking for the correct brand was like playing a massive game of Word Search.

There was strawberry, strawberry banana, whipped strawberry, Greek with strawberries, ad infinitum.

Side note: “Greek with strawberries” sounds like a Pre-Raphaelite painting.

I’m old enough to remember when Yoplait came out and I was like, “There’s two brands of yogurt now. What a country!”

I didn’t find the one I wanted. I asked the clerk, “Is this all the yogurt?”

He said, “Yes.”

I showed him my coupon and he said, “Oh that kind is over there,” and he pointed to a special case.

Um. So. That wasn’t ALL the yogurt?!

I then saw the Mancini’s Bread Guy wheeling the cart of fresh bread and decided to follow him instead of arguing with the stock clerk. I’m glad I didn’t pick something up in the new bread aisle (by the way, the Mancini’s was also in a special display area and not with the regular breads). No one knows why. I don’t question it. I have a fresh loaf of Italian now.

I ended up in Italian foods, and picked up some pepperoncini, olives and some hot cauliflower mix, all kinds of fun stuff to put on a salad. So, I marched over to the veggies and grabbed stuff for a salad. Then, back to salad dressings (which is over by the olives). I really like cottage cheese on my salad and ended up right back by the yogurt. Then, I headed back to the bread aisle for some croutons (which is actually by the salad stuff).

It was a vicious cycle. I walked out of there with enough stuff to survive a post-apocalyptic future. If you have a bunker, I have the supplies.