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Avenging, revenging and regressing

4 min read

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On Memorial Day, no one really cares about anything except cooking out. What better time for a news quiz? Jump right in: We’ll keep the non-alcoholic beer cold and the tofu wienies hot for you.

1. Alabama lawmakers passed the country’s most restrictive abortion law two weeks ago, and Missouri, Louisiana and Ohio have passed or are debating similar legislation. Backers of such measures say the laws are about the sanctity of human life; those opposed say women have the right to control what they do with their own bodies. If such laws withstand court challenges, what other restrictive laws might states pass?

a) TV networks must broadcast in black and white only.

b) Beginning this fall, the events of “The Andy Griffith Show” must be taught as fact in every American history class.

c) Women must always wear high heels, sheer stockings with a seam up the back, a cantilevered bra and a girdle.

d) A married woman must greet her husband at the door when he returns from work, offer him his pipe and slippers and a triple bourbon, and whisper, “Poor baby!” while stroking his hair.

e) All of the above.

2. Directed by Vice President Mike Pence to return to the moon by 2024, NASA has unveiled new plans to do so. The space agency’s new Artemus program will include 37 launches using privately built and NASA rockets, with the goal of establishing a permanent moon base by 2028. NASA announced no cost estimate for the project, but analysts claim that the tab would be $6 billion to $8 billion per year. How will NASA raise this money?

a) One word: Powerball!

b) Mexico will pay for it.

c) China will pay for it.

d) Max Wong-Tavares, a Chinese-Mexican immigrant multi-billionaire now detained at the U.S.-Mexico border, says he will give us the money if we just grant him asylum.

e) Sales of home lots in “Pencesylvania.”

3. SPOILER ALERT! In the series finale of “Game of Thrones,” Jon Snow/Aegon Targaryen thrust his dagger through the heart of his queen/lover/aunt – The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regent of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons – Daenerys Targaryen. Why?

a) He didn’t mean to: He stuck his dagger in his belt pointy-end-out by mistake.

b) Tyrion Lannister told him she would respond only to “a pointed argument.”

c) He lost his gun when he fell off the dragon’s back.

d) He was tired of sitting around the dinner table while she recited her titles before saying grace.

e) She wanted to discuss reproductive rights.

4. ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT! In “Avengers: Endgame,” Black Widow, played by Scarlett Johansson, sacrifices her life by throwing herself off a cliff. Why did she perform this selfless act?

a) To allow Hawkeye to retrieve the Soul Stone, knowing that he had a family and she did not.

b) Hawkeye told her there were stairs just over the edge.

c) Hey … she was wearing a “jumpsuit.” Duh!

d) She was trying to get closer to the Teleprompter that had her lines on it.

e) Hawkeye told her that after the Avengers defeated Thanos, she would have to live in Alabama.

5) And, like America, we return to the moon for our final question. Should NASA succeed in establishing a permanent moon base, what might it be used for in addition to scientific research?

a) An exclusive country club called Mar-a-Luna.

b) Giant statue of President Trump that can be seen from Earth.

c) Giant flashing neon sign that says, in languages of all known civilizations, “BEAT IT! EARTH IS FULL!”

d) More holding pens for children of illegal immigrants.

e) Holding pens for women who rally in support of reproductive rights.

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