Folding a new adult into the household
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The grocery bill has been a bit higher the past two weeks, and probably the electric bill, too. I’ve found bundles of T-shirts and shorts loitering in the dryer, a development that causes a laundry traffic jam.
But also, I find a teenager wandering up the stairs to the kitchen for breakfast. That it’s usually lunchtime for the rest of us by then doesn’t matter. The college kid is home. My daughter has been here since finishing her freshman year. She loves everything about college; she’s thriving there, to the extent she doesn’t ever want to leave.
Welcoming these newly minted adults back into the fold brings new challenges, but also some splendid moments of discovery. I’d been reading up on this transitional stage, which can be tricky for parent and child alike. Those months away, living in the dorm and being wholly in command of themselves, will tend to change a child in ways we parents don’t always anticipate.
Scholarly articles about this – as well as anecdotal evidence from friends who’ve gone through it – suggest that the summer after freshman year can be among the most difficult. Children who’ve been relatively parenting-free now find themselves back in the nest, trying to fit themselves into a structure of rules and expectations that they’ve outgrown. Everything feels too tight.
Parents, on the other hand, are thinking they’ll finally have their kid back in the fold, and things will be as they had been. That’s what I was thinking.
And then this adult walked in. Did she get taller? Or was I assigning increased height to what really happened while she was gone: she grew up in other ways.
She is filled with new opinions and insights; she thinks she might want a different major; she misses her friends. I’m not all that important any more.
The child who walked onto campus last August still unsure of how this would unfold has arrived back at home, unfolded and blossomed. All of the newness spills out in mostly one-sided conversations that last for hours. I find it all so delicious.
This stage is known to bring a sense of autonomy that can cause conflicts over comings and goings. But my daughter slid right back into her high school habit of telling me where she’s going and when she’ll be home. I’m grateful for this continuing sense of security.
And of course, there’s a lot of sleeping. I remember that from my post-freshman summer, when I slept away as many afternoons as my schedule would allow. That summer, I worked in the fields at Simmons Farm, hoeing corn and picking peaches..
I suppose that next summer will bring even more changes for my daughter, but we’ll both look back on these weeks as the most dynamic.
There are some habits that even college can’t automatically change. I’m going to finally stop reminding her to bring her drinking glasses and snack dishes up to the kitchen before the ants arrive to colonize her bedroom. Even if she’d chosen the military over college, I’m not sure those habits would have changed by now.
So what if she isn’t keeping her room spotless. I’m surprised at how relaxed I am about that – a sign of my own growth.
I treasure these days. Some nights, she wanders up to where I’m reading and puts her head on my knees and stays for a minute or two. And then away she goes.
As these new adults tend to do.
Beth Dolinar can be reached at cootiej@aol.com.