Nov 14, 2019 6 min read

Q. I’m almost six months pregnant and nobody but the dad knows. I know it’s stupid but I guess I kept thinking if I didn’t tell anyone it would go away. I wear big hoodies and stretchy pants. I think people think I’m gaining weight. Most of my teachers don’t notice me anyway. The father left me when I told him I was pregnant. We don’t talk anymore. I don’t live in Pennsylvania but one of my mom’s friends is my friend and your friend on social media. I saw a post of yours where it sounded like you’d be a safe person to talk with but I need for you not to know who I am. What should I do? I’m kinda scared. I don’t know how much longer I can hide this. But my mom will kill me when she finds out. How in the world do I tell her? I know she’ll kick me out of the house. I’m a senior but I suck at school so I don’t think I’m going to graduate anyway. Thanks.

– 18-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I’m so very glad you reached out to me. I don’t need to know who you are to know you’re a person of worth. You’ve been very brave. I would like to start connecting with you regularly. Let’s arrange a time every week where we can talk. We can continue connecting on FB messenger until you’re comfortable, but I’d love to actually talk with you.

You’re going to be all right. You’re not stupid at all; you’re just in denial. Have faith. You don’t need to do this alone.

The first thing I’d like to do is encourage you to seek medical support. Don’t panic – your body is strong and knows what do to, but there are so many things about your health I don’t know. It’s important to seek prenatal (before the birth) care. At 18, you’re legally an adult, so you don’t need anyone’s permission to see a doctor or midwife. Do this for you and for your baby. Search for health care providers near you and call for an appointment. When you make your first call, please tell them the date of your last period. You should be given an appointment quickly – if not, get back to me. Please don’t hesitate to call. When you and I next speak, I can pretend to be the office manager at the doctor or midwife’s office. I’ll coach you through the call. It’s not too late. You have the right to see a health care provider.

Once I know your community, I can connect you with a childbirth educator and a doula. A childbirth educator prepares a person for birth and a doula provides support during labor and birth. I’ve had the great joy of serving as both a childbirth educator and a doula. I’ll be happy to answer all your questions about pregnancy, birth and postpartum (the time after the baby is born), but someone who can meet with you face-to-face will provide you with support in a way I cannot offer from a distance. Again, you’re not alone.

In my community I oversee an educational mentoring program for young parents. We offer one-on-one connection. We meet with each young parent to discover their goals; we also have a few of our own – to help young parents prepare for birth and parenting, to help them stay in school, to support them as they start parenting, and to help them delay another pregnancy. I’m sure there are programs like ours where you live. We can find them together.

You sound as if you’ve given up on studying and graduating. It’s only the first semester of your senior year; there’s plenty of time to pull your grades together and graduate. Once again, you don’t need to do this alone. You say most of your teachers don’t notice you. Is there one with whom you feel a connection? You only need one to start. Let’s talk about ways to communicate. Make an appointment with guidance, share your worries about graduation with a trusted adult in or out of your family. Please don’t give up.

Telling your mom sounds scary, I know. Give her a chance. She won’t kill you, but she might be angry. Tell her in a public place like a restaurant if possible. Do you have a friend who can back you up? Try to arrange a place to stay if your mom does tell you to leave. Most parents don’t overreact; even those who are very angry typically are OK once the baby is born.

Finally, I asked a former student to respond to you. She is a successful teacher and the baby she had as a teen is now your age. Listen to her words. I hope they give you hope.

Former Teen Parent Response: I was 16 when my daughter was born. I thought it was the end of my life, but it was just the beginning. Having her is the best thing I ever did. She’s a great person. Graduating high school is important – please don’t give up. Raising her alone was tough at first, but I married a good person when she was 9 and I’m happy. I didn’t start college until my daughter was 10, but I’m a teacher now and I love teaching. It helps to find support. Mary Jo is right – you don’t need to do this alone. Take it one day at a time. You can do this, your body can give birth, and you can become a great parent. Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email, podmj@healthyteens.com.