Nov 20, 2019 6 min read

Q. How do I explain to my baby sister that Santa doesn’t bring all the toys? Should I just say that? She’s 6. Last Christmas when she was 5 she didn’t seem to notice much of who got what, but this year she’s paying attention. She tells me when kids at school have things she’d like to have. She told me she’s asking Santa for an iPad. There’s no way my mom can afford something like that. I don’t want her to think Santa thinks she’s a bad kid if she doesn’t get what she asked him for. It isn’t fair that some kids are lucky and get anything they want. I like that she believes in Santa, and I don’t want to spoil it for her. My birthday is right around Christmas and I already told Mom she doesn’t need to get me anything so my sister can get what she asked for, but I still think it’s too much for Mom to buy. She works three jobs and tries so hard. I don’t ever want my sister to think kids who get more are better than her. – 14-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: How kind of you to consider your sister’s needs above your own!

You’re right – it may not seem fair when some children receive more than others at holidays. It’s also important to remember one cannot tell how “lucky” children may be based on the money spent on their presents. We never really know other people’s lives. I do acknowledge that things are often unfair.

As a child, I was one of the kids who received small, practical gifts. I didn’t feel inadequate, though, because my parents taught me about things like fairness and equity with a great deal of care and love. My parents couldn’t control other parents’ spending or the messages they gave to their children about gifts and giving. They could control their messages to me. I was very young when they told me Santa brought two small gifts to each child and parents bought the rest. They told me the number and kinds of presents I received weren’t a measure of their love for me or of my good behavior, but of their finances.

I often went with my father to the factory where he worked. I saw how hard he labored to take care of me. It helped put gift-giving in perspective. I understood early that the gifts of my parents’ time and love were priceless. There were no iPads for anyone in my childhood, but my friend in first grade received a TV for her room. This was a huge deal then! Not all families had a TV for their living rooms, let alone one for a small child’s bedroom. I received a board game that same year. I knew my parents would play the game with me. Most of the time, I thought mine was the better gift. I say most of the time, because I was a typical kid. I noticed, just like your sister. What helped was my parents’ gentle teaching. They taught me how to appreciate gifts that are real and powerful and cost little.

There are many gifts you’re already giving your sister and your mother. You are other-directed and mature. You consider your mother’s efforts and try to help. You think of your sister’s feelings. You’re kind and want to protect her. Think of ways you can make her holiday fun, teaching her as my parents taught me. Think of ways to show her she’s worthy. Your actions and words matter. You’re both worthy; you can help her know her worth.

The gift of your time, playing a game with your sister or reading with her, helping her sound out words, fixing her a snack or encouraging her help when you bake cookies – these are all wonderful ways to show her she’s worthy and to connect with her. Create a homemade gift for your sister and for your mom. Help her create a gift for your mom and for you. She needs to learn the joy of giving as well as receiving. As she grows older, she will model her behavior after yours. Being a good role model for her will help you both mature.

I wonder if you’re as concerned about the way your sister will see herself when she compares presents with other children as you are sad she may not receive the things on her list. Comparing oneself with others is typical human behavior – we all do it. The sooner we can let go of jealousy, however, the more we will find happiness in our own lives. I’m not suggesting you stop reaching for what you want. Another powerful lesson I learned young dealt with setting goals. Education meant a great deal in my family. I was empowered to know my own ability and to select my path. Talk with trusted teachers and guidance counselors at school. Be open with your mom. Study and work hard.

I think I hear an echo of your own feelings when you speak of being unlucky. It’s possible you daydream about school friends whose lives seem easier than yours. It’s OK to feel so. What we all need to work on is basic: strive to be content with where our lives are right now, while we seek to improve our lives over time.

Finally, a word about Santa. There are mixed opinions about how to approach the story of that jolly old elf! Some parents dislike the idea of lying to their children, and simply downplay Santa. I’ll admit that’s not easy in our culture!

Other parents get deep into the Santa story and have fun with it. No matter how intently we enjoy Santa, it is true that the spirit of Christmas is larger than the rotund guy in a red suit. Teach your sister about caring for you and your mom; model love for your family. Plan fun activities that include her during holiday break. Find out what other things she’d love to see under the tree. You can pick up small gifts on your own. Talk with your mom and do what you can to make this a joyous holiday. Make great memories.

Merry Christmas!

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com/.