Nov 25, 2019 3 min read

I’m not usually a fan of the memes that appear on Facebook. If you are unfamiliar with Facebook, a meme is a picture containing text that the poster thinks is witty or thought-provoking. Usually, it is neither.

But a good one appeared a few days ago that, I think, achieves both purposes: “Black Friday: Because only in America [do] people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.”

With this in mind, I feel it my duty to cite a few incidents to make you wary of shopping this Friday – as Charles Dickens might term it, Ghosts of Thanksgivings Past.

Gunfight at the Toys R Us Corral – On Black Friday 2008, an argument between two female shoppers escalated until their male companions became involved. Each man drew a handgun and they chased each other down the aisles, firing randomly. No customers or employees were injured, but the men killed each other … and their families’ holiday spirit.

Long Island Stampede – An employee at Walmart in Long Island, N.Y., died on Black Friday 2008 after being trampled when some 2,000 shoppers who had been waiting in line overnight rushed through doors when he opened them at 6 a.m. Shoppers ran over the man as he lay on the floor. When store managers told shoppers the store would close immediately because of the death, many customers shouted angrily and continued shopping.

Step away from the Xbox! – In 2011, a female shopper used pepper spray to keep other shoppers away from a pile of Xbox 360s at a Walmart in Los Angeles. She was able to check out and leave before police arrived. (“Honey, what’s that smell?” “New cologne from Walmart!”)

In fairness, I should point out to local readers that Pennsylvania ranks 47th of the 50 states in incidents of Black Friday-related violence. You’ll probably be relatively save if you do venture out this Friday.

But stop before you shop. Remember your high school economics class.

When I was in my senior year in high school, my economics teacher looked at me, pointed a finger at my head and shouted, “You! You need a haircut!”

I, being somewhat the class clown, answered, “Mr. R, you just spent a week lecturing us about supply and demand. Surely you know the difference between a want and a need. A want is something inessential that you wish you had. A need is something essential that you can’t do without. I don’t need a haircut; you just want me to get one.”

It was 1967 and my hair touched the tops of my ears and hung over my shirt collar. The school principal agreed with my explanation, but thought it was a good idea that I have my hair cut anyway. Win one, lose one.

So before you venture out this Friday, remember my late, lamented hair.

Do you really need Samsung’s new 292-inch TV, dubbed “The Wall?” Can’t you make do with the pitiful 141-inch TV you bought last year?

Does your daughter really need the latest Easy Bake Oven? Can’t she get by with some dirt and water to make mud pies?

What? Walmart has a great deal on bottled water starting at 6 a.m. Friday?

Get out of my way, pal! I have pepper spray!