Oct 24, 2019 6 min read

Q. My dad has a girlfriend. I don’t like her. I know I’m not giving her a chance, but I don’t want her in our lives. My mom died three years ago of cancer. I don’t like to talk about it. It was horrible. Dad and I were just fine for a while. Then last year he started with this woman. I put up with it until now, but now they tell me she’s pregnant. I don’t want him to marry her. I don’t want a new baby in our house. I sound so mean. That’s how I feel. You told us we could text you when I was in sixth grade and I kept your number. I don’t really know what I want from you. I think maybe I just had to tell someone. Most of the time I pretend I’m OK. Thanks. – 14-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: I’m pleased you connected with me. Thank you for remembering my number! I wish I could see middle school students weekly instead of a few times a year. Life can be challenging in sixth to eighth grade!

I’m also really glad you told me how you feel. It’s important to say what we feel, especially if we’re keeping it inside. Our well-being is linked to our emotional health as well as our physical health. We might be able to hide our feelings from others, but we can’t deny them to ourselves.

The first thing I want to do is meet with you. I don’t think you need counseling as much as I feel you could use a trusted adult who will listen. I’m happy to be that adult.

Since you suggested I respond to you in my column, let’s talk about your problem here. I was impressed when you said, “Please make this part of Ask Mary Jo. I know I’m not the only kid who feels this way.” I guarantee you’re not. One of the most common complaints I receive from young people deals with changes they cannot control. The biggest troubling change is a parent’s new partner. Sharing living space with an adult a young person didn’t select can be stressful.

Your situation is more complicated. You’re dealing with grief from your mother’s death. Grief is personal, unique, and on its own time table. Not wanting to talk about your loss is OK; not talking about it doesn’t make the grief leave. Losing a mother is very hard. Losing any loved one to cancer is especially difficult. Grief can show itself in many ways. One can feel anger or frustration or helplessness. We expect to miss loved ones on their birthdays and on holidays; we also miss them when we’re at the grocery store and we see a loved one’s favorite food or when someone says something that reminds us of our loved one. Little things can hurt when we’re grieving; we can be surprised by the wave of loss we feel. My own mother died over 20 years ago, but last summer I stumbled upon one of her recipes and was brought to my emotional knees with grief.

The important thing to remember about losing your mom deals with your worth. You are no less worthy because of her death. You are not defined by this loss. You are strong and important, and it is OK to miss her and feel grief any way it happens.

I hear your anger. Your father is moving on with his life. He’s found a new partner and is starting a family with her. Your feelings are valid. It’s not that you’re being mean as much as you feel left out.

I’m guessing it will be tough to talk openly with your dad, but I think that’s your first step. He needs to know how you feel. He needs to support you in your feelings. His girlfriend needs to know your feelings as well. I think talking with your dad first is wise. He can talk with his girlfriend later and include you in the conversation.

If this sounds like more than you want to face, I’ll be happy to meet with you and your dad. I believe you can handle this conversation; if you want support, I’ll be there.

Time does change our perspective. Babies tend to bring joy. I hope you are happy when your new sibling arrives. Your feelings remain important. If you open up and share how you feel now, it will be easier for you to talk about your feelings when the baby is born.

Good luck. Let’s connect soon.

Instead of seeking the advice of our peer educators, I sought out a peer educator alumnus who lost her mother when she was young. I hope her words help.

Peer educator alumnus response: I remember how I felt everyone was looking at me at my mother’s funeral. At the time I felt so lost but I also felt as if a spotlight was on me. I was “the girl whose mother died from cancer.” I thought everyone pitied me. I simply refused to talk about it, but that didn’t make the grief go away. It just made me angry and sad and depressed without someone to talk with. It started to get better when I met with Mary Jo and then took her suggestion to talk with my dad. He really didn’t understand why I resented him so much when he started dating the woman he married. It’s been years and I love my stepmom. She’s been there for me. She’s not my mom but she’s good to me. I pray you find a way to be open with your dad. He loves you and he’s grieving, too.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski at podmj@healthyteens.com/.