Oct 28, 2019 3 min read

Near the end of each October I take great pleasure in seeing what’s new in adult Halloween costumes. Not that I’m likely to buy one.

When my band played for a Halloween dance in the early 1970s, I dressed in a three-piece suit and carried a briefcase. When people asked what I was supposed to be I said, “An insurance salesman.” They ran from me, screaming.

Last time I dressed up for Halloween as an adult, my faithful female companion and I wore all white as John Lennon and Yoko Ono in their “bed peace” phase. With the help of a couple of cheap wigs, we pulled it off quite convincingly.

I’m not planning to dress in costume for All Hallows Eve this year. If I were, however, I’d have some primo choices.

My favorite is the “Summer Jungle Cat Leopard Print Short Suit” by a company called Opposuits. It’s not being sold as a costume, but it sure looks like one to me. It’s exactly as described: a short-sleeved, short-trousered suit that, if worn in the right spot in the African jungle, might get you either a “ménage a tree” with Jane or wrestled down by Tarzan.

Costumes for 2019 run the gamut of inspired to insipid. “Traditional” men’s costumes include pirate, priest, vampire, skeleton, convict, airline pilot, soldier, cowboy, hippie and race-car driver. There is a distinct lack of presidential themed-costumes this year, however. Personally, I like the idea of carrying a weather map and a Sharpie. “Democratic Presidential Candidate” might also work, but you’d have to find 19 friends, including a few women and at least one crazy uncle, to go with you.

I was, as usual, struck by the lack of variety in costumes for women. Again this year, most female costumes carry alarmingly sexist titles: Naughty Sailor; Sexy Skeleton; Sexy Sergeant (police); Darling Deer (Bambi bodysuit); Sexy Devil; Sexy Kitty; Naughty Nun; Sassy Scholar (schoolgirl); Sexy Indian; Sexy Pirate; Sexy Convict; Sexy Christmas; Sexy Flapper; Sexy Nerd; Sexy Bat; Sexy Maid; Sexy Leopard; Sexy Zebra; Sexy Santa; Sexy Snow White; Sexy Cleopatra.

Sexy costumes for men? I could find only two so categorized in an online search: Men’s Top Gun (flight suit) and Men’s Strip Search Officer, a police-style uniform that might be worn by a male stripper hired for a bachelorette party. Sexy? Perhaps, if there’s an F-15 parked in your driveway or if your bedroom door is made up of iron bars.

I’m sorry … my editor tells me that I have used my allotted number of “sexy’s” for 2019.

But in 2020 I’d like to see costumes for men more in line with reality. “Former Jock Who Has Let Himself Go,” maybe, or “Love Handles Dude with Comb-over.”

And maybe one that shows the proper respect for women in power.

Sexy Supreme Court Justice.