Oct 30, 2019 6 min read

Last week’s question inspired some follow up.

Q. I read your October 24th column about the 14-year-old who disliked dad’s new girlfriend. It resonated with me. I also lost a mother when I was young. I’m in my 30s now. My dad found someone when I was a teen, just like the young questioner. I reacted similarly. He gave up his new girlfriend to listen to me. For the rest of his life he was alone. When he grew ill not long ago, I apologized for influencing him not to move on. He assured me that he never blamed me, yet I feel responsible. Please post this. Young people need to understand their parents are human and need companionship, too.

Wish I could go back.

Mary Jo’s Response: I’ve been blessed to learn from many young people. When one teaches, one learns. In 1973, I cared for a 16-year-old fighting osteogenic sarcoma. He was feisty, challenging, quick with sarcasm and full of life. I loved talking with him and listening to his thoughts. I threatened to write a book of his wisdom, and he laughingly told me he’d write down his ‘best stuff’ for me. It was a joke between us. One day I went to his room after my shift. I had a new book for him to read; we often discussed articles and stories. He handed me a piece of paper. On it was written, “Don’t do what ifs.”

I settled in beside his bed, offered him a soda, and waited while he explained his “wisdom for the day.” He told me he was sorry he could no longer play basketball. He told me he missed school and his friends. He told me he knew the cancer was fatal. He told me he’d learned to let go of regret. He said, “You’re going to live longer than me.” He pointed at the paper in my hand. “This is good advice, Mary Jo,” he said. “Keep it. There aren’t any do-overs.”

Wishing we could go back and change things is very human. It’s easy to think of our lives in retrospect. Hindsight is truly 20/20. My young patient was correct. Doing what ifs only causes emotional pain. You were a child when you lost your mother and a teen when you reacted to your dad’s new girlfriend.

Your father’s words were not only kind, they were the truth. As a grown up, he made a decision. I’m sure you weren’t the only factor influencing him. His choice was his own. You probably left home not long after adolescence to start your adult life. He had plenty of time to select a new partner, yet he chose to remain single. He didn’t blame you.

I know it’s difficult, but my wish for you is forgiveness. Release yourself of blame. Know your words as a teen didn’t affect his choices for the remainder of his life.

Is it possible your grief over his illness colors your feelings? You don’t say if his illness was serious or if he’s still with you. Grief can be sharp and manifest itself in many ways. I appreciate your unselfish message. It is my honor to print your words. I hope you find peace.

Q. My mom died when I was 15. I’m 27 now and I would love it if my dad remarried. He dates people occasionally, but always finds a reason to break it off. I know he needs someone in his life. How can I help him make a good match?

Matchmaker

Mary Jo’s Response: I love it. A matchmaker. I’ve often thought I’d love such a role.

First question – does your dad want a long-term relationship? It’s possible he’s quite happy with his current arrangement? I think your first task is to talk with him honestly. Listen to his wishes. If he does want to connect with someone, online dating is very popular with older adults. You could help him make a profile and support him.

What matters is what he wants. Let him guide you.

Q. My dad is acting like he’s my age. My mom passed when I was a preschooler. Dad has been a great father to me. He’s been kind of like mom and dad. I’m getting ready for college next year, and I mentioned to him my concern that he would be lonely when I left home. The next thing I know he’s dating. I’m OK with it. What’s weird is how he acts like he’s a teen. He always wants to double date with me and my girlfriend. Trust me, he’s strange around us. He tries to talk all hip and started listening to my music. Sometimes he’ll sit down beside me and start to share details of his make out sessions with me. I’m all like, “enough, dad.” I feel like I’ve created a monster. I also feel like I should do “the talk” with him. I worry about STIs. What’s my responsibility here?

17-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: You’re living a role reversal.

I don’t think you’ve created a monster. Your words simply gave your father the impetus he needed. He appears ready for another relationship. An honest conversation about boundaries and limits should help. You can respectfully tell him you don’t mind spending time together but you’re not buddies. Tell him some information feels like TMI to you.

As to educating your dad about the consequences of sex, go for it. The conversation may be awkward, but you’re correct. The STI rate among older adults is high. See if he reacts positively to your teaching. It may be the catalyst to him establishing limits in what he shares with you. Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com