Sep 29, 2019 4 min read

World, schmerld! President Trump’s call for the nations of the world to reject globalism in favor of nationalism makes sense. I mean, what could go wrong?

Return with us now to those thrilling days of isolationism. World War I. World War II. Korea. The Cold War. Each country should retain its sovereignty, work out its own trade deals. Free trade? Pshaw! I subscribe to the “guns and butter” theory: 1) You have butter; I want butter.

2) I have a gun, I take the butter from you. 3) You complain.

4) I point my gun at you and say, “Be thankful that I didn’t take your churn, too!”

Simple.

Practice “The Three I’s”: Isolate. Isolate. Isolate. Every continent. Every country. Every state. Every city. Every town. Every village and farm. Every house.

Build a 30-foot-high wall on your property line. Put barbed wire on top. You’ll be a patriot supporting the manufacturers of bricks, stone, steel and wire.

Stand your ground. Protect your castle with .50 caliber machine guns, one mounted atop each turret. Get more ammo by trading your surplus butter.Disconnect from the internet. Trash your cellphone. Go back to a landline phone that you have to crank to get the operator’s attention. No one needs to be in touch 24/7. Smash your TV. Stop subscribing to magazines and newspapers. Don’t speak to your neighbors. If you don’t know what’s happening in the rest of the world until three weeks after it has happened, you’ll be less depressed. Get the latest news along with everyone else from the town crier when the stage arrives from Dodge City.

Reject the Copernican theory of a heliocentric solar system. Your own eyes tell you that the sun rises and sets. If the world turns, why can’t you feel the motion? If Earth is flying through space, why don’t your dog’s ears flap even when he’s not in the car?

Don’t send your kids to school. Educate them on your own. You know better than any over-educated, pampered teacher anyway.

Stop vaping. Go back to cigarettes.

Start eating red meat again. If God had meant your arteries to stay unclogged, He would not have made steers edible.

Stop going to your doctor: It’s a racket. Oppose Big Pharma. Stop taking medicine when you’re sick. Suck it up.Don’t vaccinate your children. Measles and chicken pox will go away on their own anyway. What are a few scars compared to your own sense of well-being?

Stop going to the dentist. Gum your food beginning at age 40, just like grandpap!Stop wearing glasses. Squint your way through those migraines.

Don’t trust scientists who say that global warming is real. They are being paid by an international cabal of thermometer manufacturers who want you to run out and buy their products to see if the temperature really has gone up.

Besides, the world heats up and cools down on its own, like an old Frigidaire. When the planet incinerates, order a new one from the Monkey Ward catalog.

Repeal all environmental laws. The caveman who discovered fire is to blame, not us. Isn’t it obvious? No fire = no burning. No burning = no pollution. It’s too late to change anyway.

Roll that gas-guzzling, emission-control free Chrysler out of the garage and onto Main Street. Drive that half-block to the mom-and-pop store to buy a pint of hormone-laced milk. A little CO2 and a lot of estrogen will do you more good than walking.

Greta Thunberg? We don’t need a 16-year-old foreign girl acting as a shill for the radical left to shame us.

We can shame ourselves just fine, thank you.