Aug 3, 2020 3 min read

The annual convention of the Universal Brotherhood of Demons had just been brought to order by Satan. After a disastrous 2019 conclave on an undiscovered ice giant some 12 billion light years from Earth, Old Scratch had chosen to hold the 2020 convention on Mercury. His choice was welcomed by all.

“Mr. Speaker!” said Baal, rising from his seat in the Seventh Circle VIP box. “I’d like to commend the Lord of Darkness for his excellent choice of venues this year! Much better than that frozen glob of nothing we were on last year. I had to search long and hard there for putrescence!” A cheer rose in the hall.

“Thank you, my minions!” Satan said. This year he had chosen to alter his appearance to that of a member of a boy band from Japan. It was a calculated move, and it had paid off: He now had the undivided attention of a contingent of 16-year-old she-devils dropped off by their parents. “But now, to business!” Satan said. “Let’s give it up for Succubus, who came up with the brilliant idea to have a video by Dr. Stella Immanuel circulated on Earth’s social media platforms! Huzzah!”

Succubus blushed and waved off the praise, but finally had to rise to take a bow after a large coterie of fiends from the Fraud Circle of Hell would not stop applauding.

“Speech!” cried Moloch, hoisting his stein of Yuengling lager.

“Well,” said Succubus, “if you insist.” She threaded her way to the stage as the applause swelled, then subsided.

“Really, I had very little to do with it,” she began. “I simply planted the idea that hydroxychloroquine cures COVID-19 in Dr. Immanuel while she slept. A couple of re-tweets by highly placed imps-in-training reached more people than we ever could.”

Titters echoed in the convention center.

Succubus continued. “We demons do things so ridiculous that humans dismiss them out of hand, and we’re good at it. But Dr. Immanuel’s idea that scientists are cooking up a vaccine to prevent people from being religious? That’s ‘Maury’ material!”

Demons greater and lesser convulsed with laughter. Succubus reveled in it, and a look of annoyance flashed across Satan’s face. He rose and walked to center stage.

“Thank you, thank you, Succubus,” Satan said, edging his way between her and the lectern. He hip-bumped his servant out of the way and glared at her.

“2020 has been a banner year for malevolence!” Satan said. “Our minions sewed distrust among friends and family members by whispering rumors into human ears. And they were great falsehoods: ‘Face masks don’t protect anyone. A COVID-19 vaccine will be used to implant microchips that will allow government to control you! It’s dangerous to vote in person during a pandemic, but it’s perfectly safe to send your kids to school.'”

Satan surveyed the cheering crowd, then grew serious.

“But I ask you, my fellow hellions: What need will there be for us if humans remain gullible enough to spread lies so easily? Will they not, perhaps, make us obsolete?”

A hush fell over the hall.

“I warn you: The current members of the human race will put us out of work!”

Shouts of “They took our jobs!” began in several sections of the audience.

“No!” a voice from the back of the hall shrieked. “We must not let this happen! I have a plan!”

Satan squinted against the spotlight, smiled, and pointed to the delegate.

“The chair recognizes the demon from Florida!”