Feb 10, 2020 3 min read

There are some horrible things going on in the world, but sometimes you stumble upon a story about a really dumb criminal. Stories about thieves who get caught are my favorite kind, but this dude should win an award.

In Glasgow, Scotland, a man tried to rob the bank while brandishing a meat cleaver and wearing a pillowcase over his head. There was just one tiny problem. This man, Matthew Davies, forgot to cut eyeholes out of the pillowcase. He had to remove it in the bank because he couldn’t see.

I picture him bumping into chairs, going up to the vanity in the ladies’ room and yelling at the mirror, “Give me all your money!”

It didn’t go that far. He put his makeshift mask on, forgot to cut out eye holes and was forced to remove it to pull off his heist.

Despite this idiocy, Davies made off with a bunch of cash. Fortunately for the Bank of Scotland, Davies stopped to pet a dog on the way home and got caught.

No, seriously.

I’m aware that this story sounds like a cartoon.

According to the Independent, the prosecutor, Stewart Ronnie, spoke of the botched robbery by stating, “This was a failure to create eye holes.”

I can see forgetting to cut out eye holes that are even. Imagine looking like a Picasso trying to rob a bank. I just can’t imagine forgetting to cut them out completely.

Side note: While it may not look like it when I’m on stage, I spend a lot of time practicing my standup routine in the mirror. This dude should have practiced his robbery at least one time. Throw on that pillowcase and wield that cleaver around like you mean it. Give it your maximum crazy.

But I digress, like I do.

I am very curious as to how this happened. How do you forget to turn your pillowcase into a mask? I have a few thoughts: Maybe he didn’t cut eye holes in the pillowcase because it was a brand new “Star Wars: Mandalorian” pillowcase and the left eye would have cut out baby Yoda. No one wants to cut out baby Yoda.

Maybe it was one of those pillowcases with the inspirational sayings on them like, “You can do it,” or “Live, Laugh, Love!” No one wants to cut those up either.

While I’m not rooting for Matthew, he does get bonus points for stopping to pet a dog. He has a kind side and probably wouldn’t have carved anyone up with his threatening meat cleaver. On the other hand, maybe the dog followed him home. It’s possible that if he forgot to cut eye holes out of the pillowcase, he may not have cleaned the meat cleaver off before carrying it around for his bank job. Therefore, the dog may have been following him!

The only other dog responsible for stopping thieves was Scooby Doo.

Remember kids, anything worth doing takes time and effort. Practice makes perfect.