Jul 16, 2020 5 min read

Q. I don’t have any friends. I’m an only child. I’m used to being by myself or with mostly adults. I read a lot. I draw. I don’t even mind solitude, but since we left school in March I don’t even have other kids to talk with casually at lunch or in classes. I don’t know how to connect with other kids my age. My mom doesn’t believe in me using social media and I don’t have a phone because my dad says I’m too young. I just feel lonely. How can I make friends?

– 12-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: It is hard to feel alone. It sounds as if you’re able to keep yourself busy and happy most of the time, but isolation because of the pandemic makes finding friendships tough. When I read your text, I thought, what a brave person! You are worthy of good friends. Let’s talk about ways you can reach out.

1. The best way to have a good friend is to be a good friend. Think about the kids you know. Are any of them people you would like as a friend? You don’t need a dozen friends; one or two good friends are a great beginning. Your first step is to reach out.

2. At 12, most people your age are starting to connect using phones or apps. In a pandemic, using some type of virtual connection is helpful. Ask your parents if you can use an app like Facebook Messenger for Kids. You can connect via a tablet or iPad and you don’t need a phone. It’s a safe app and has limitations that protect young people. Give your mom my number and we can talk.

3. Develop good friendship skills. Practice conversations with your parents. Learn to be a good listener. Most people love to talk about themselves. Learn active listening by paying close attention to people when they’re talking. Listen to hear, not to respond. Reflect what a person says, “Your dog sounds like fun.” Develop questioning skills that can open conversation. “What did you think about that homework?”

4. Find people who share a common interest. You like to read. You can talk about books you’re reading and share favorite characters. We’re just starting a book club for 12- to 14-year-olds this week. We meet via Zoom. The idea for the club came from our virtual summer camp called Book/Writer Camp. The “campers” didn’t want to say good bye, so I’m hosting a weekly book club. We meet at 3 p.m. Wednesdays. I will send you the link and password, and talk with your mom or dad so they understand the club. I will be facilitating it, which means I’m there to help young people connect. You don’t need to say anything to participate in the camp – no pressure – but I think you will find it a great way to meet people and make friends.

5. Learn to read body language. Body language is about observing people. It’s possible to read a person’s moods or interest just by checking out the way they stand or hold their arms. Watch facial expressions. Notice if someone turns away or stares past you. If someone answers your questions in monosyllables like “yes” or “no” they may not be interested in connecting at that moment. They may also be shy and need a little more time to warm up. Body language can help you know which person is approachable.

6. Please try not to panic. You’re not alone. Most people go through times when friendships are challenging. The pandemic makes it harder to connect, but you can find others who want to spend time with you.

7. We’re running eight Virtual Summer Camps for 12- to 14-year-olds. The camps are a great way to meet people. Let’s continue talking.

You’re a person of worth. Someone is going to love being your friend. I’m happy to help you connect with others your age. Stay in touch.

Peer Educator Response: We know exactly how you feel! Most of us felt just like you at one time. You’ve got this … what if you join one of our camps? Our Cooking Camp is so much fun! Please don’t give up.

Q. My best friend is moving out of state. Is it normal to feel sad?

– 12-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Absolutely. Losing a great friend is very challenging. You can stay in touch virtually and that will ease your longing to be together. Technology can really help when we miss someone. It’s perfectly normal to grieve the loss of a best friend. Talk with a trusted adult and share your feelings. It’s OK to feel sad.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.