Oct 8, 2020 4 min read

Q. My math teacher likes me a lot. He always calls on me. I love math and I’m good at it.

Something happened today that I didn’t like. Last week we were taking a math test. I always finish early. That day I was so early. When I brought up my test, my teacher turned it over and told me I didn’t notice the back. He gave the test to me and told me to go back to my seat and finish it. No big deal, right?

I thought so, until today.

There’s this kid in my class who always messes up. The same exact thing happened to him that happened to me last week. He forgot to turn the test over. When he brought it up to our teacher, the teacher was angry and made fun of him. He wasn’t allowed to finish the test. I was scared, but I stood up for this kid – he’s not really my friend because I don’t know him much. I put my hand up and told our teacher it wasn’t fair that I was allowed to finish the test and this kid wasn’t.

I was very respectful. My teacher didn’t say anything, but he let the kid finish. Was I right to speak up?

15-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: We develop our own moral compass as we mature. You stood up for what was right, even though you were afraid. You did the right thing because it was the right thing, not because you had anything to gain.

When we are small children, we do the right thing because we want a reward or because we’re afraid of punishment. Developing moral standards leads us to adulthood. Yes, I believe you were right to speak up. You used your positive relationship with your teacher to advocate for another student. That was unselfish.

I’m glad your teacher heard you. Teachers are people, too. School can be stressful for both teachers and students right now. I hope your teacher will understand why you spoke up and respect you.

Q. I’ve noticed something strange.

I’ve always been what my mom calls an “eager student.” I always have my hand up like Hermione in “Harry Potter.”

This school year things are different.

I noticed my friends who are girls are less talkative in class. Some of them just don’t participate unless called upon. Their focus is make up and clothes and boys. I don’t hang out with them as much as I did. They’re not as interested in me and I’m not as interested in them. I’ve made new friends who care about schoolwork. I just don’t get it. Why are these smart girls acting dumb?

13-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Your observations, sadly, are accurate for some female students. Girls your age are the subject of many research studies. On one hand, things are better for middle school girls then they were in the past. There are more opportunities for careers in science and math. Girls have access to roles that were out of reach even a few decades ago.

However, what you describe is still true.

The pressure to be attractive and liked can be intense. I use Rachel Simmons’ book “Odd Girl Out” in the college educational psychology class I teach. Simmons addresses relational aggression – the negative ways girls can turn on other girls in middle school. The movie “Mean Girls” focuses on this aggression and the culture of popularity.

In an interview for ParentMap in 2018, Simmons said, “We hope for girls to be smart and brave and interested in STEM fields, but we still expect them to be sexually attractive and have a witty and appealing online presence …”

Other scholars call middle school a “crisis of connection” for girls, where they feel pressure to be perfect.

It seems as if you are handling school social changes well. Stay true to yourself. Continue to love learning. Seeking new friends is smart. Please remember your worth. Your perspective is wise. You are the only person who can define you. You’ve got this!

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.