Oct 15, 2020 4 min read

Q. I am sick to death of politics.

My dad is going to vote for one candidate and my mom for the other one. I’m too young to vote, and I understand it’s good for me to know what’s happening in our country, but I’ve had it with their fights.

We can’t get through a meal without them yelling.

It’s like they hate each other. I’m spending a lot of time in my room. So far, I haven’t said anything to them. I just leave. My little sister is only 8. I’ve seen her crying in her bedroom when they fight. I don’t like this at all. What if I tried to get them to agree? Worth my time? I’d also love to change our nation. Everyone seems so angry. I know that’s not possible. Maybe I can make my parents fight less.

15-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I believe it’s always worth the time to improve communication in a family.

I remember when my relatives gathered in my parents’ kitchen to argue about political choices. I recall spirited conversations. My child’s memory includes a lot of noise. I also remember the way my uncles and aunts acted afterward. My papa would pour wine, make coffee and slice fresh homemade bread. My mama would dish up her famous canned pickled peppers from their garden and make a plate of fresh cheeses and fruit. The same people who disagreed a few moments ago would hunker around the table, eating and drinking and laughing. As a child, I learned two things: being involved in our political process was important, and respecting family outweighed everything else.

Our current national climate is not as respectful as the attitude in that long-ago kitchen. I ponder when civil discourse – engaging in conversation to enhance understanding – became so difficult. I don’t think yours is the only family experiencing divisiveness. I cannot speak to people’s politics; my expertise is communication and relationships. I can address relationships.

Healthy relationships are founded on respect, trust, compromise and the ability to hear another’s point of view. Healthy relationships are flexible and able to weather challenges, but they’re not perfect. People change, even when they are in love. Counseling may be a good idea for your parents. You aren’t a professional counselor. While I respect your desire to connect with your parents, please try not to blame yourself if their relationship doesn’t improve. Their fights are not your fault.

The key here is your personal family. Finding common ground for our nation and even your community is a huge goal. Asking your parents to compromise and connect for the good of your family is worthwhile.

Try asking for a family meeting. Set guidelines as we do at our Common Ground Teen Center. Each person agrees to be respectful. No name calling. Measured tones of voice. No interrupting. Listen to hear. And, if you want to be successful, no politics. Stress your concern for the way your sister and you feel uneasy. Explain their fights are emotionally draining. I don’t think you should try to change your parents’ minds. I doubt you could. Your focus is on the health and well-being of your family.

I hope your parents will hear your concern and limit their anger. If they do not, may I suggest you seek support from another adult in your family – a grandparent, aunt, or uncle. You may even want to gather support before your conversation, depending on how your parents might interpret you seeking help.

I sought wisdom from peer educator alumni who voted in the last presidential election. Good luck.

Peer Educator Alumni Response: We’ve voted in one presidential election and 2016 was pretty divisive. This year is worse. Two of us even lied to family members and didn’t share which vote we cast. It was just easier that way. We’re stronger now. Relatives who disagree with us now know how we’re voting and why. We don’t argue with them. It’s also easier when you no longer live at home.

Those of us who told the truth about our votes last election took some heat. We’re also stronger now.

Parents should realize their fighting about politics only alienates their children. Kids and teens listen. Family should be stronger than politics. We’re sorry you and your little sister live with this kind of tension.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.