Sep 3, 2020 5 min read

Q. This is a serious question. Do I tell my boys, ages 6 and 9, that Chadwick Boseman, the wonderful actor who brought King T ‘Challa to life in “Black Panther,” has died? They both adore the movie, their rooms are full of “Black Panther” posters and toys, and we had a “Black Panther” themed birthday party. As Black parents, we know our sons saw themselves in this amazing superhero.

My heart tells me they should know. It’s impossible to keep secrets like this from kids. If anyone is going to tell them, I think it should be us, right? But, how?

I heard you speak once about children and death. I wasn’t a parent then, but I recall your words were gentle and comforting.

Or, is it strange to mourn a celebrity my children only associate with a fictional character? Would it be better to let them believe the King of Wakanda isn’t a real person and lives on as a character?

To add to this, we have a family member just diagnosed with colon cancer. We’ve spoken openly about the cancer to the boys. This was necessary because our families are close and the adults were talking about it. I thought it wise to explain cancer. I was careful to say that not everyone with cancer will die. Now, I wonder how long it will be before the older one, who will tell the younger boy, figures out why his favorite actor died and makes the connection.

Parenting can be hard, can’t it?

Mom who wants to get it right

Mary Jo’s Response: How lucky your boys are. Yes, parenting can be hard, but, in my opinion, you are acing it.

I love the thought you put into your email. How insightful your words; how aware of your sons’ needs.

First, yes, I believe you were right to be open about the cancer in your family. Cancer is a big, scary word, to both children and adults. Many people diagnosed with cancer survive. Some do not. Children figure things out – they listen, they hear, they know. If adults do not open the door to communication, children may not feel safe sharing their fears.

When I was a young pediatric oncology registered nurse, I cared for a small boy diagnosed with neuroblastoma. He was a twin. His brother donated bone marrow. The parents, intending to spare the boys’ pain, told the care team to keep the truth about the cancer from them. One day, I was sitting in the playroom with both boys, and one leaned over and asked if I could keep a secret. These children knew what was happening, they even knew one of them was dying. They kept their knowledge from their parents to protect them.

If it is appropriate and even healthy to discuss cancer and death – carefully, gently and at the developmental readiness of each child – then why would discussing the very real loss of a beloved actor be any different? Yes, your boys need your guidance, especially since they love “Black Panther.”

I agree, they need to hear this from their parents. You know them. You know their ability to receive this information.

How to share with them? Remember, less is more. Tell the truth, but don’t offer details unless asked. Share your own sorrow. Give them a chance to mourn in their own way. It’s OK for them to cry. They may want to watch the movie – more than once.

Explain that actors portray characters, but they are not those characters. In this situation, you have a chance to talk about real life courage and perseverance, because Boseman excelled in both. Performing in action movies while undergoing cancer surgery and chemo takes uncommon valor and strength. As an actor, Boseman was more than the King of Wakanda. He brought dignity to icons in the fight for racial justice, like Jackie Robinson and Thurgood Marshall. He was also dedicated to Black rights. Your boys can have a real-life example of resilience.

Your younger son may have more trouble with the concept of death. He may forget and talk about Boseman as if he’s still alive. That’s OK. Children his age often do that when grandparents die. In time, they come to an awareness of death’s permanence. Your older son may understand more, but each child is unique.

This is a good time to discuss your personal beliefs about death. Your mourning may or may not involve prayer; it’s great for children to pray for or honor the death of someone they loved, like this fine actor.

If colon cancer arises in the conversation – kids, again, have big ears – repeat your wise statement about cancers. They are not all the same. They do not always end in death.

Let your sons continue loving “Black Panther.” There is much to emulate in the character of King T’Challa. Give them time to be sad, but remind them that the morals and values of Wakanda are real, even if the movie is not.

Good luck. Thank you for trusting me with this challenging question.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.