Sep 8, 2020 3 min read

I keep telling you the world is getting weirder, but do you listen? I don’t know. I’m shouting in a vacuum over here. I look pretty silly yelling at a Dyson V8.

I’ve found another strange story that is, literally and figuratively, flying all over the news.

On Sept. 1, two pilots of two different flights (American and Southwest) reported seeing a man in the air flying above LAX at 3,000 feet. Up in the sky! It wasn’t a bird. It wasn’t a plane. It wasn’t Superman. It was a mysterious man in a jetpack.

Yeah. Jetpacks are real. Some dude took one on a joyride, zipping around the skies of California. The future is finally here.

Side note: When I was a kid, jetpacks and flying cars were the shizzle. We watched George, his wife, Jane, his daughter, Judy, and his son, Elroy, fly up to their apartment on the 5,000th floor in jetpacks and flying cars. We all had Jetson envy.

But I digress, like I do. The FBI and the FAA are investigating the incident. They suspect it might have been a mannequin attached to a drone to freak out the aforementioned pilots. The “Dummy on a Drone Theory” sort of curtails my sci-fi fantasies, but what if it was real? The possibilities are endless.

I love the idea of jetpack joyriding. Just think about tomorrow. Not the World of Tomorrow – but, like, the idea of owning one tomorrow. I know traffic is lighter in the pandemic, but there is still some congestion, if you’re going into Pittsburgh. Now, imagine flying to work in a jetpack – one you can pack away in the corner of the office like a 10-speed bicycle. You skip the traffic and you don’t even have to circle around looking for a parking space. You carry your ride on your back (in a pack as it were), like a futuristic camper.

Picture it, flying around the open skies. It sounds thrilling. Until you get to the 3,000 feet part. Yikes.

While the fantasy of flying above it all sounds really cool, 3,000 feet sounds way high. I’d like to fly lower to the ground, please. High enough to avoid houses, but low enough to not die if the engine sputters out.

Instead of “Up, up and away!” I’d be all “Up – a little bit – and not that far away!” or “Not all the way to infinity and not quite beyond!”

These are the rallying cries of a Grade A certifiable wimp.

I seem to have lost my edge recently. I’ve gone skydiving. I’ve snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef. I’ve even gone down steps without holding on to the bannister!

I used to be a daredevil, but now I’m more of a Foggy Nelson.

I’ve gotten too practical. I just keep imagining the worst-case scenarios: Flying into a flush of mallards or a skein of geese sounds terrifying. What happens when the check engine light comes on?

I’m staying put down here.