Sep 10, 2020 6 min read

Q. I need help with my anger. I’ve been asking you questions since seventh grade, texted you some flat out stupid stuff and some serious questions. I always stayed anonymous and told you to keep my questions private. You did as I asked.

I need your wise counsel again, and this time you should use my words in your column, because I know I am not the only person dealing with anger this year.

There are so many things to be angry about. COVID-19 sent me home from college last spring. Then, we started college this year and immediately COVID-19 cases spiked. We’re on remote learning again. I don’t know how long. Rumors are the entire semester. All of this made me angry.

Right now, I’m angry about a recent event. I cannot wrap my head around the way people are defending the 17-year-old who shot and killed people in Wisconsin. It hurts me personally because I see myself in him. I don’t think he fit in at school. He left school. I think he was easily impressionable and did what he did on impulse. I made a lot of mistakes when I was his age. You knew about most of them. I remember you listening without judging me and then gently showing me how to learn from them.

Why are people glorifying this teen?

Why don’t they see his life is ruined, no matter how the court case goes? He will never be just a 21 year old, like I’m just a 21-year-old. He’ll always be a hero or a murderer in people’s minds. How can we prevent this from happening in other kids’ lives?

21-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: How nice to put a name to your texts and questions. I’m proud of the way you’re facing and dealing with your anger. 2020 is a true catalyst for anger, I agree.

Anger is a human emotion, just like joy and sorrow. You’re human. It’s OK. It’s OK to cry, to feel happiness and to be frustrated.

Your anger will pass.

Acknowledging it is key, and you’ve done so. Finding a catalyst for your anger – like writing to me – is a great coping mechanism. I remember you coping with anger well as a teen. I know you will find the strength to grow from anger now.

Your last question deals with how you identify with this 17-year-old and how we prevent teens like him from getting caught up in adult situations with adult consequences.

Let’s talk about being a role model. Young people listen to adult words. They watch adult actions. They observe adult behavior.

My father was not an educated man, but he was wise. When papa came home from work at the glass factory every night, I ran to greet him and get his lunch bucket. This sweet man always left something in his bucket for me, an apple, a few grapes.

One day, when I was around 11, his lunch bucket was heavy. I opened it before he could stop me. Inside was a lovely piece of glass in the shape of a rabbit. It was smaller than my fist. My mother’s birthday was soon. I immediately realized this must be a present for her. I told him how much I liked it and asked if he made it. He said he did. I took my piece of fruit and sat on the porch while he went inside to shower.

But, he returned in moments and sat beside me. He told me that, yes, he did make the glass rabbit, but he made a mistake by bringing it home. It was a “second” – meaning the piece was damaged. He turned it upside down and showed me the flaw. It would not be sold.

I didn’t understand, and I innocently asked if it was cheaper for him to buy because it was a second. His face fell. I now know he wrestled with his words. I also know how tight money was for them. Papa finally sighed and told me the mistake he made was taking the rabbit from the pile of flawed pieces that were to be melted down and remade into pieces for sale.

He put the rabbit back into his lunch box and told me he would return it to the factory the next day. He did.

I remember his words, “I made a mistake today, but I will correct it. You will make mistakes, too. Be strong and correct them.”

I believe adults have a responsibility to model moral choices for young people, like my papa did, even if those moral choices are difficult and go against the norm. Even if a papa needs to admit a mistake and return a small glass rabbit that no one would have missed.

I’ve spent a lifetime learning about and working with young people. I know teens are open and ready to learn. I also know they may have poor impulse control and be easily swayed. They often make what I call bonehead mistakes. You know the kind, decisions that end with them getting into trouble for doing the wrong thing. When confronted with these kinds of mistakes, the typical response to “Why did you do that?” is “I dunno.”

They often don’t know. Something happened. It happened quickly. They reacted with the wrong choice.

I ponder these truths when I think of the 17-year-old in Wisconsin. No matter how people choose to support or condemn his actions, my teacher heart cringes. A 17-year-old should be in school, thinking of sports and career choices and making bonehead decisions about phones and relationships. A 17-year-old, in my opinion, should not be in a situation where his decisions might end in violence.

Much has been said about this 17-year-old. My focus is on the adults in his life because, no matter how you see his actions, he is 17. Someone should have given him the chance to make and learn from bonehead mistakes that did not involve death.

How do we prevent this from happening in other kids’ lives?

We connect with young people and offer a listening ear. We mentor. We are positive role models. We change the world when each of us makes changes in our own words and actions. I hear the maturity and wisdom in your words. You are a strong young adult. You learn from mistakes. Find a way to mentor others to learn from their mistakes as well. Thank you.

Peer Educator Response: We are angry about this, too.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.