Sep 21, 2020 3 min read

A few weeks ago, I bought a new car. Well. It’s new to me. It’s a 2015, therefore, it’s from this decade – technically. The new decade starts in 2021. We don’t start anything on a zero. The new decade starts Jan. 1, 2021. Please direct all of your complaint letters to the nearest garbage can, because I’m not going to read them.

But I digress, like I do. I have been hesitant to tell you that I bought a car, because my friend Dave sells cars, and I cheated on him with another dealer. I’m sorry, Dave. I felt a need to see other cars. This new model is sportier, exciting. It’s not you, it’s me.

I am happy with my new purchase, but – at the risk of sounding like a Luddite – I don’t understand the goldarned contraption. It’s got some new-fangled fancy digital dashboard.

I realize you probably all have more modern cars, but, once again, it’s new to me.

Some features I like. It goes from zero to 100. Degrees. In my old car, the heater would warm up just as you arrived at your destination. This has a blast furnace feature. I did not opt for the heated seats. Last winter, I drove around a rental with heated seats. It was freezing that day and I was enthusiastic about cranking up the heat in the seat. I barbecued my buns. To this day, I’m surprised I don’t have grill marks on my buttocks.

The car has a camera for going in reverse. I like watching my Backup Cam. It’s my new favorite TV show. The story is the same each week, though. How far can I back down the driveway without driving into my neighbor’s grass? Find out this week on Dashcam! After the pandemic is over, I’m going to go to a busy mall parking lot and drive around in reverse, because this show needs some action. Watching people jump out of the way should improve the ratings. The show is popular with one male in the 45 to 55 demographic.

Some features on the dashboard puzzle me. I know what the tire pressure is in each tire at all times. I think that’s a mistake. There is a digital display of my vehicle: a “Car Toon.” It shows the position and tire pressure of each wheel. Front Driver’s side wheel: 35. Front Passenger’s side wheel: 35. Back Driver’s side wheel: 35. Back Passenger’s side wheel: 34. Uh-oh. How’d I lose a point?

One day this week, the Back Passenger’s side wheel jumped back up to 35. I couldn’t understand what happened. Did someone sneak by with a bicycle pump and hit me up while I was at a red light? Does this car come with a pit crew?

This is the feature I need. A team of people in overalls to run around my car looking for ways to improve and enhance my weekly trip to Aldi – where I can buy knock-off brand toothpaste.