Apr 29, 2021 5 min read

Q. You taught me in high school. I still remember the first day of class, when you wrote your name and your cell number on the whiteboard and said, “Call me any time.” I thought, “Is this white lady for real?” I found you were.

Here I am, 25 years later, texting you.

My husband and I are doing very well. We met in college, where our differences were a lot less important than the ways we share values and dreams. We left the area for a bigger city, hoping the fact that we are an interracial couple would be less of a problem away from our small town. He’s white, I’m brown. We considered having children with care. We’re good parents, and our oldest is 12. She’s athletic and bright and beautiful. Her skin reminds me of a dark fawn’s coat and her hair is just like mine. We love her and her brother so much. This parent love thing … you were right when you told us in class that it would be huge!

So, why am I reaching out?

Because, despite us living in a mostly accepting city, school kids are still tough. Our daughter is sometimes mocked by white kids for her race – her skin, her hair, the music she likes. She is sometimes told by Black kids that she is “too white.”

She handles this well.

We talk as a family and she – thankfully – communicates her feelings. We expected this. We got this.

The trial of former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin trial, though, it really hit us hard. Our friends – the tribe we’ve created – are all of like mind with us. The kids at school are another story. What drove me to write was a white boy getting in my daughter’s face and telling her how “Black Lives Matter wants to destroy the country.” And “If Black people just followed orders, police wouldn’t need to kill them.”

Our daughter is feisty and she stood up to him.

Her friends rallied around her. Her friends are diverse in race and gender and sexuality. We are beyond proud of her. She was shaken, just the same. We held her while she vomited out a lot of nastiness she’s been hearing. She said to us, “I love who I am, but will I always be at risk because people will judge me by how I look instead of seeing me?”

I know we comforted her. Like I said, we’re good parents. Now, I want to know who comforts us?

How do I brace myself for our children’s future in a nation where systemic racism is so often ignored and where hatred is so often publicly condoned? We’re advocates for racial justice, not activists – we donate to support others who are on the front lines making change.

Is it time to become more visible?

I want our children to know we are not passive. We already took them to a peaceful protest last summer.

I’m honestly not sure why I connected with you, except that I knew your support would shore me up. I read your column every week. Would it be too much to ask you to use my words as a column? I know there’s a lot here, but people need to see our reality.

Thank you for always being there.

– Still glad you’re for real

Mary Jo’s Response: It is my honor to use your words as a column. They are eloquent and heart-felt and wise. Thank YOU for sharing them. I am beyond touched you remembered me from so many years ago.

You and your husband are great parents. A family where everyone communicates and feelings are empowered is one where young people grow and thrive. I am certain your daughter and son are being prepared well for life. I am saddened and angry to know they face racial bias. My heart hurts for your wonderful daughter. She should never feel invisible. She is worthy. She was born worthy and will remain so all her life.

I’m concerned about your daughter’s school’s anti-bullying policy. School should be a safe place where no child is bullied. Perhaps connect with their administration? When I suggest a parent reach out to a school, I stress discussing the call with their young person first. Your family has an open relationship. Talk it out with your daughter.

You ask if you should be more visible.

I cannot speak to your family’s experience firsthand. I am a person with white privilege. I’ve never been frightened for my children because of the color of their skin. For the perspective of a person of color, I connected with my dear friend and wise colleague, Dr. Lexx James-Brown.

Dr. Lexx suggested you teach your children through an anti-racist framework, which recognizes racial groups are equal yet distinct, acknowledges racial policies exist and are the reason for inequities, and confronts those policies through action to advance equity.

Dr. Lexx also suggested I share that there are often narrow definitions of Blackness. She said you should remind your daughter of how expansive Blackness is by continuing your validation of her. You are honoring her worth and her personhood.

I will close by sharing what I tell the young people I serve. You must weigh how far you go as an advocate for change with your family’s needs and your personal safety. You and your husband are living role models of respect. You’re teaching your children in words and actions. You will know how far to go.

I send you virtual hugs and much love and respect. Please stay connected. Feel free to call me any time. I’m still for real.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.