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Creatures for the commonwealth

3 min read

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I have tried very hard not to be political in this column, but an issue of dire political consequence has come to my attention, and I must speak out. I can no longer hold my tongue: Pennsylvania does not have a state dinosaur. For shame.

We have a state flower, the laurel, and a state bird, the ruffed grouse.

Side note: While we’re at it, we could use a new bird, too. I would have never voted for a ruffed grouse. The ruffed grouse? It sounds disheveled and angry. Apparently, the bird was popular with early settlers.

Popular as in “menu item.”

But I digress, like I do. We must remedy this dinosaur situation immediately! Harrisburg, who do I need to call?!

Not all states have a state dinosaur, but Colorado has the Stegosaurus and Wyoming has the Triceratops. We have to get one before all the cool ones are taken.

Massachusetts is about to vote on its state dinosaur. Massachusetts State Rep. Jack Patrick Lewis just picked the Podokesaurus holyokensis, a swift-moving dinosaur that was discovered near Mount Holyoke College. I was not able to ascertain, however, if the dinosaur got his degree at the college or not. I would assume the dino would be a whiz in history, but without opposable thumbs it’s hard to write term papers.

If we don’t act soon we’re going to end up like Massachusetts and get a Hokey Pokey Holy-oaky or whatever.

I’d rather have a Tyrannosaurus than a Trilobite, but most of the state dinosaurs have been chosen because their fossils were found in their perspective home states. We can’t just pick one willy-nilly. We can’t just rip out pages of a dinosaur book and put the names in a hat. While it would be easier than having to spell the names on tiny slips of paper, it is simply not done that way.

There must be a careful consideration process, or we will wind up like Arkansas. The state dinosaur of Arkansas is the Arkansaurus fridayi. It sounds like they Latinized Arkansas and added their favorite day of the week to it.

I assumed it was named after state restaurant, TGI Arkansaurus fridayi, but it is not. The dinosaur is named after Joe B. Friday, an owner of a gas station in Locksburg, Ark. who found the fossil. Contrary to popular belief, he was not a regular on “Dragnet.”

It’s not just the lame name, but the Arkansaurus looks like a duck the size of a person. I don’t want Pennsylvania to get stuck with the fossilized remains of a big bird.

I want an ankylosaurus or a velociraptor. Something sexy. An ankylosaurus is spiky and has a tail that looks like a wrecking ball, and velociraptors were the scariest part of “Jurassic Park.” I don’t want to end up with an Eohippus, one of those prehistoric shrunken horses.

Call your congresspeople. Call your senator. Demand a dinosaur for Pennsylvania!

Or don’t. I don’t want to grouse about it.

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