Jul 8, 2021 5 min read

Q. I’m 18 now. Technically, I’m an adult. Can you help me figure something out?

What is my responsibility to others?

I see people who measure success in life by power or money. Is that success? Or, as a new adult, am I responsible for helping the people in my community succeed while I find my own way? I get the feeling that seeking money and power to the exclusion of others’ needs is, in some ways, the “American way,” but it feels selfish.

My grandpa was the kindest man I knew. He gave vegetables from his garden to everyone, knew the names of all his neighbors and their kids and drove older people where they needed to go, like to church, even when he was old himself. He made decent money, but he never was wealthy or powerful. My dad makes plenty of money. He mostly works. I don’t think he likes what he does. He never talks about his work. My grandpa could talk about his tomato plants for hours! Which of these two people would be a success by society’s standards? I know which one is a success to me, but I don’t think I want to live a simple life like my grandpa. How do you define success?

18-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: You are a deep and wise young person. I love teaching young people and I love connecting with students like you. You are thinking about important concepts. Wow!

How I define success is not as important as how you define it. I will tell you my thoughts, since you asked, but first I will share what I think I’ve learned about you from your email. You observe, which is a solid skill. You analyze, which sets you above many young people. You seek a life path where you are fulfilled, not only financially, but in a way where you are a part of a larger community. You, my friend, are a person of great worth and I am honored you came to me.

It feels as if you think there are two opposite types of success, exclusive of each other. I believe it is possible to achieve financial gain and power while serving your community and caring for others. It depends on your priorities. Many wealthy, powerful people serve others. Many leaders are servant leaders.

Your grandpa’s success was obvious to you. He seemed happy with his life choices. Your dad’s success may be hidden. Have you brought your thoughts and questions to your father? Ask him for some time to talk. Discuss success, responsibility, choices and joy.

You may be surprised.

I asked a very successful CEO what his most important contribution to life was; without hesitation, he said, “my children.” Sadly, adults get busy. They may forget to articulate the obvious. We each must ask ourselves, “What is our treasure?” You may be pleased to find you are a treasure to your dad.

Personally, I’ve tried to live with intention since I was a young pediatric oncology nurse. Success for me is about connection. Connecting with my family, with the young people I serve, with my students, with my community – these things give me joy and give my life meaning.

As to your responsibility, as an adult, I think you know the answer. Yes, I believe you are responsible for others in the sense that you contribute to your family and community. Vote, honor and respect others, be a good role model for those who follow you. You can do those things and still pursue success, no matter how you define it.

You are neither your grandpa nor your father. You are uniquely you. I wish you joy.

Peer Educator and Alumni Response: Success is what you make of it. If you feel successful, then you are. Success is achieved by reaching your goals. If your goal is to get out of bed in the morning and you do it, you were successful. Although, if your goal is to change the world, that’s gonna take a bit more doing. It all depends on what your goal is. You can be successful if you set a realistic goal. Obviously, if you goal is to end world hunger, you cannot do that alone. If your goal is to develop a family of your own and you do so, you’ll be successful.

Responsibility to others is a very complicated thing. Some view every human action as a transaction, give something to get something in return. Some believe it is their duty to do as much for others as possible with no expectations for payment. A good balance might be when your goal is to make the world a happier place. You will find that balance as you go through life.

Being 18 is legally an adult, but there’s still a lot to learn from experience. Your life is your own, and don’t worry too much about what you see around you. You need to look inside and find out what’s right for you. If you’re doing what you feel is right, you’ll be fulfilling your responsibility and being successful!

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.