Jun 24, 2021 4 min read

Q. I wrote this at 10 p.m. on Father’s Day. It’s a day that is hard for me. I read your column last week on emotional abuse and saw myself. My father was emotionally abusive my whole life. He terrified me. He died of a heart attack when I was 14. Everyone expected me to mourn him. I felt only relief. He could no longer mock me, or call me fat, stupid and good for nothing. In time, I felt shame for faking grief.

I’m writing to you because you helped me then. It’s been more than 20 years, but I remember. You listened. You validated my feelings of anger and then, in about a year, of guilt. I blamed myself. Maybe he was a good dad and the things he said about me were true? You reinforced my worth, over and over. You suggested, gently but firmly, that mental health counseling might help. I started therapy at 16 and saw the same therapist, who is a great professional, for 10 years. Even now, I occasionally check in with her.

I’m a good dad. My wife and I talk about my childhood and my complicated relationship with my father. We get through it. I’m successful in my career and my life. It’s still been hard.

I’m writing to validate your words last week. Yes, emotional abuse has long-reaching implications. Yes, it hurts. The toughest piece of this for me was his death. I can never find common ground with him. I can never say to him, as a successful adult, this is how you failed me. I can never have true closure, although therapy gave me perspective. I’m also writing to say thanks. Please continue your work.

In some ways, still a 14-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Your words are beautiful and convey deep emotional pain. It took courage to share them. Thank you.

We do not choose our parents or the families to which we are born. If we are fortunate, our parents provide both physical and emotional support. If we are lucky, fathers model positive reactions to life and help us grow as people. If not, we survive.

A person can thrive without a father. Mothers, uncles, grandparents, trusted adults can fulfill fatherly roles. You grew to be a fine adult. You are a good parent. You communicate with your partner well. You followed up with therapy. I’m proud of you.

I want to share something a former student wrote after my column last week. She, like you, is a successful adult – strong and independent. Like you, her childhood had many difficult challenges. She wrote she was weary of being “resilient” and strong. She wanted to be “just a kid.” She wished facing childhood trauma wasn’t part of her life.

I heard you when you were 14 and I hear you now. Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, like yours do linger as young people mature. You’ve handled this trauma with effort and courage. I wish you hadn’t needed to do so. I wish every young person who faces emotional abuse didn’t need to live with it.

Another of my former students, this one a fan of the Marvel Universe, told me he wished the “Time Stone” existed. If you’re unfamiliar with the story, the “Time Stone” allows the wearer to manipulate time. As a young person, he said he would go back in time and make things different. As an adult, he shared how much he realized that would be a mistake. If he changed his father, he would not exist. As a survivor, he reached the space where he valued his life and his worth, no matter the emotional pain. I hear echoes of his words in you, my friend.

You are worthy. You were worthy as a 14-year-old. You are worthy now.

I’m here. Connect any time. Again, thank you for sharing. Your words will help another.

Peer Educator Alumni Response: Mary Jo asked me to respond to your comment because we had similar childhoods. I was in college when my abusive parent died. The death was from cancer and I had time to confront her and work through my trauma with her. Like you, counseling helped me. I wish you peace.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.