Mar 11, 2021 4 min read

Q. I remember you fondly from high school. I hope it’s OK to reach out to you from grad school. You always said we could come to you for anything, and I don’t know anyone better to call.

I have a great partner. We’ve been together two years. We’re talking about marriage. He’s kind and empathetic with a strong moral compass. We get each other. We communicate well. Our relationship is a priority in both our lives. He’s not perfect and neither am I, but we’re good together.

Why am I reaching out to you? He has poor body image. He talks about being fat. He’s not fat at all. He is a big guy – played football and wrestled in high school and undergrad. If he doesn’t lift in a day, he feels guilty. He weighs himself daily and his mood is linked to his weight. He doesn’t think this is a problem. I do.

I tell him what I learned from you. He’s worthy. His body is worthy. He listens, but still worries he’s not attractive. Until him, I thought only girls and women had body image issues. He didn’t have sex education at all in high school and there was so much about relationships and sexuality he never talked about before me. He admits his sex education at a young age came from porn.

I plan to give him this column, Mary Jo. He learns well. I think he needs to hear this from someone else. Work your magic! Thank you for including body image in your classes!

24-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: How great to hear from you! I love when former students connect. I don’t know about magic, but I will affirm your efforts to empower your boyfriend to believe in his worth. I think you are on target and in tune to him.

The idea that negative body image is limited to females is a stereotype. Men may also seek the perfect body; the incidence of eating disorders like bulimia, purging, laxative use and anorexia shows one in three individuals with an eating disorder is male. Men may also be concerned about weight and developing a six-pack. Celebrity images can add to angst for all.

Your boyfriend’s youth was affected by two strong forces – sports with an emphasis on body size, and pornography. An obsession with weight is often linked to “making weight’ in wrestling and football players may be concerned about size. Porn use is common. You are right, pornography isn’t sex education. Consent is seldom explored and bodies are physically attractive. If your guy is your age, he may have a lot of negative messages to unpack.

Here are a few hints to encourage his self-worth. Please remember self-esteem, positive body acceptance and worthiness need to be reinforced over time. Counseling can also be a good choice when negative body image is stealing joy from life.

1. Words matter. Do not body shame, even as a joke. Listen to his concerns without dismissing them. Give sincere, specific compliments. “I love how strong your arms are,” “You make me laugh,” or “I love all of you.” Try shoring up his nonphysical attributes.

2. Exercise helps. Studies show moderate exercise can increase self-esteem. If he’s obsessed with lifting, try working out together as an occasional alternative.

3. Be alert to feelings. Revealing anxiety may be difficult. It may be easier to complain about his body than to admit depression.

4. Seek support. Reaching out to me is a good first step. Encourage counseling if needed. Let him know he is not alone.

Model body acceptance yourself. You are both people of worth. Keep in touch.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.