Mar 25, 2021 5 min read

Q. I’m in love. Notice I didn’t say I think I’m in love. I know I am. I just need help with my family.

My dad said it’s ridiculous for me to think I’m in love because I’m just a kid and I have no idea what love even is. My mom said she better not hear about me being in love and she will take my phone if I don’t forget about this, which makes no sense, because I didn’t do a single thing wrong with my phone, honest.

No pictures sent.

No inappropriate texts.

My oldest sister said she doesn’t even know what love is so there’s no way am I in love. My oldest brother said, go for it. He’s 19 and my oldest sister, who is 26, said to ignore him because he’s a doofus. My next oldest sister is 17 and said I just think it’s love because of COVID-19 which makes no sense because we started talking before the pandemic.

My gram said love is priceless. She said love is love. She is a big fan of your column and she said to ask you. So I am.

I know what I feel. Before you start thinking I’m not acting responsibly, I am. I know we’re both 14. I know we have a lot of growing up to do. We haven’t even kissed and remember what I said about phones? Totally G rated.

I know when we’re together things feel right. I know we can say anything without fear of being judged. I know we accept and respect each other. We laugh, we read the same books and talk about them, we stream movies and watch them together. We get each other.

I’m not going to ask you if I could be in love because I know I am. I would never say it if I didn’t mean it. I would just like you to help me figure out how to get my family to understand. I love my family even if they’re mostly weird.

14-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I love your texts. I often shorten long text conversations with young people before I use them for my column, but I kept yours intact. I love the way you use words. Have you ever thought of exploring writing? We host a Writers Club weekly at our Teen Center. You may join in-person or virtually.

Your conviction you are in love is obvious. I find it to be tender, optimistic and well-reasoned. I’m glad you didn’t ask me to define love. People of all ages have wrestled with that question for thousands of years.

I will share my personal belief. I dislike the term “puppy love.” I know no one in your family used it, but dismissing your feelings because of your age is essentially the same thing.

Does age determine our ability to love? I think not.

I think your gram and I would enjoy each other. Love is, as she sagely said, love.

However, there is a difference between mature and immature love. Mature love is other-directed (with compromise), supports the loved one, does not impose pressure or encourage risk, and makes life easier. For young people, a mature love would not require a partner to lie or hide a relationship from parents. A mature love is trustworthy and respectful of the loved one’s goals. For example, teens with a mature love would offer support when one person needs to study by lowering distractions.

An immature love would push beyond the parameters you’ve wisely set up. You admit 14 is young. You do have growing up to do. I see young relationships as learning experiences for adult ones. Learning how to communicate honestly and listen to another person is a great foundation for long-term relationships.

It’s important to remember the difference between attraction – also called lust – and love. Lust at first sight is common; love at first sight is typically a Hollywood phenomenon.

What if you approached your family as you spoke with me?

1. Continue to model respectful behavior.

2. Explain your acknowledgment of your age.

3. Keep your interactions simple and low pressure.

4. Stay honest with your parents.

Healthy relationships don’t just happen. Falling in love is emotional; creating a healthy relationship takes thought and wisdom. Remember, Romeo and Juliet were allegedly your age and their story ended badly. Be wise, be mature and enjoy life.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.