May 6, 2021 5 min read

Q. How do you turn a bad relationship into a good one? This question is both for me and for my mom. My boyfriend can be sweet, but he also scares me sometimes. He can be mean. Just with words, not physically. My mom’s boyfriend never hits her or anything like that, but there are days when he won’t talk with her, like he’s punishing her for something. He fights with her about money all the time, but she works and he doesn’t. I realize how wrong that is. He doesn’t help around the house and they argue all the time.

– 15-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you for reaching out. It takes courage to share. This is a first step to finding a healthy relationship where you are not afraid to be yourself.

Here’s my short answer: The possibility of turning an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one is very slim. I know this may sound harsh, but the best choice a person can make in the situations you describe is to end the relationship.

While it is true people may change, it is rare for someone who acts poorly in a relationship to become a different person.

Relationships are about give and take. Compromise is part of a healthy relationship, but a person who is mean, dominating or emotionally abusive is unlikely to compromise.

Most of us learn about relationships by observing those close to us. Your mom is modeling an unhealthy relationship where she is treated without respect. Verbal and emotional abuse are real and damaging. The absence of physical abuse is not enough to make a relationship positive.

Your mom is an adult. You might be able to support her if she decides to seek a better relationship. Showing her this column might help. Please know it is not easy to end a relationship, even one that isn’t good for a person. Please support your mom without judgment. It can be scary to face life alone. Imagine how your mom would feel if her relationship brought her joy? Imagine what her life would be like if she wasn’t afraid? Imagine if the money she earns is hers to spend without arguments or disagreements?

It’s a lot easier to heal from an abusive relationship with help. Your mom can contact Domestic Violence Services of Southwestern Pa. (http://www.peacefromdv.org/contact-us/) at 800-791-4000 or 724-223-9190 (Washington County – local).

You have your own choices to make. High school is a time when people often figure out what kinds of relationships are best for them. Being alone can be scary for you as well, but, at your age, you are not dependent on your boyfriend for survival. Think through your feelings about him. You are worthy of a positive relationship.

Both you and your mom are people of worth. Please do not settle for a relationship where you are afraid. Are there any other trusted adults in your life? I suggest speaking with your guidance counselor at school, a grandparent, or a trusted teacher or coach.

Good luck. I asked a peer educator alumni to offer her perspective. I hope her words help you. Please stay in touch.

Peer Educator Alumni Response: I read your question and felt drawn back to my own experience in high school. I hope you will read my words and hear them. I wish I was honest when I was in a poor relationship. Instead, I never told anyone. I’m glad you reached out to Mary Jo.

I made excuses for my boyfriend all the time. He just had a bad day. He had a lot on his mind. His family situation was bad and he was reacting to it. I thought I could change him. He was mean. He never hit me, just as you say your boyfriend does not harm you physically, but in time I realized that was a pretty low standard for a relationship. I didn’t break up until we were in college and separated, and then I realized how much I wasted my time with him. My mom was like yours, and I thought it was OK to be put down in a relationship. I was wrong.

It’s been almost 15 years since I left high school. I met my husband in college and we have a great relationship. Our relationship is an equal one, where we share tasks, child care, and finances. We have children, and I am determined to give them an example of healthy compromise and a relationship where both people are respected.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.