May 13, 2021 4 min read

Q. My friend died when we were in ninth grade. He had cancer. He was sick over a year and I knew he probably wouldn’t make it, but his death hit me hard.

I graduate this year.

I thought I was over losing him, but I think about him a lot now. I think about all the things I’ve been able to do in the last years that he never got to do. I think about graduation and college and it makes me so sad. No one seems to notice. It’s like my parents think I don’t remember him. Why can’t I get over this?

– 18-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Grief is deeply personal. It has no timeline. The loss of someone we love can hit us years later. Thinking about your friend means he still matters to you. When we remember those we lost, their memory can help us grow and mature. It can also make us sad.

Losing a peer – someone your age who is young and has his whole life ahead of him – can be especially hard. Life events we experience that are no longer available to our friend can make us pause, thinking of death and its implications. Young people aren’t supposed to die. Knowing someone our age who dies when we are young can remind us of our own mortality.

A friend of mine died in a car accident the week of our high school graduation more than 50 years ago. Our class went to the funeral in our graduation outfits. As my life progresses, I often think of her and the things she missed. Her memory makes me grateful; at the same time, it brings me sorrow.

Your parents may not realize you still grieve your friend’s loss. Have you shared your feelings with them? If you’re like many of the young people I serve, you’re really good at masking your emotions. Please give them a chance to be supportive, or talk with another trusted adult like your guidance counselor, teacher, or coach. Talking about grief often helps.

When I wrote my children’s book, “Nonnie Talks about Death,” I did focus groups with third through eighth graders. One of the middle school students had lost a parent. I remember his words. He said, “Some days, I almost forget my dad is gone. I get busy, I’m happy, I’m OK. Then, sometimes, suddenly, its like I’m tackled from behind with grief. I don’t always feel it coming. One minute I’m fine, and the next minute, I’m standing in a grocery store in front of my dad’s favorite cereal and I feel like sobbing in the breakfast aisle.”

Grief can be like the ocean. It can be calm one moment and the next moment, strong waves can pull us down and make us fight for breath. Grief is about learning to enjoy the calm waters and cope with the storms. Here are a few suggestions for grief:

1. Understand grief is part of loss. It’s not easy, but it is normal to feel loss over time. There is no right way to grieve. Be kind to yourself.

2. You’re not alone. Share your sorrow with people who love and support you.

3. Find a way to honor your friend’s memory. Our rituals around death are for us, not for loved ones we lose. I dedicated one of my books to my parents in their memory. Artists create beautiful images in response to grief. Songs are written in memoriam. You might want to create a collage about your friend or write about him.

4. It’s OK to feel sad.

5. Move forward at your own pace. It’s not about getting over your friend’s loss as much as it is important to live your life with intention and purpose.

6. If your grief is affecting your quality of life, seek counseling. Counseling doesn’t mean we’re broken, it only means we are wise enough to know when we need support.

There are many online support groups for dealing with grief. I also am fond of the book “When a Friend Dies: A Book for Teens about Grieving and Healing,” by Marilyn Gootman, Ed.D.

You are a person of great worth. Please continue connecting if you like. May college bring you joy.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.