Nov 11, 2021 4 min read

Q. I read your last week’s column and felt so many emotions. The dad who wrote to you was worried because he felt he overreacted to his son’s possible use of porn. It wasn’t the topic of pornography that moved me. I agree with you.

Porn isn’t good sex ed but viewing it doesn’t mean a teen is a horrible person. I reacted to the dad. I never had one like that. I mean, I had a dad. I know lots of kids whose dads left or who see them only part of the time due to custody. I even know one kid whose dad is dead. My dad is alive. He lives in my house. He’s been there my whole life. But he’s never really been there. Not for me.

Like the dad who wrote to you, I’ve never heard my father say I love you to me or to anyone else. Love, to my father, isn’t to be expressed. That’s not manly. My dad never overreacted to anything I did because he was never involved in anything I did. He never told me to do my homework or yelled at me to clean my room. He never took me driving when I had my permit. Our primary verbal contact was negative. He called me lazy and good-for-nothing. He called me gay (I’m not). He called me worthless. Or … and this was what happened the most … he didn’t talk to me at all.

My dad spent my childhood in a bottle of alcohol. He went to rehab when I was a teen and is clean and sober now, but no warmer, no closer to me or anyone else. We never talked about my father’s drinking. It was just ignored. I left for the military after high school graduation and won’t return home. I see my mom but I have no desire to see my dad. My mom admits he was a poor father, but she says I must forgive him. Must I? I’m not angry at him. I’m just indifferent. I doubt I’ll be a dad, but if I am, I won’t be like him. Some people just shouldn’t have kids.

– 22-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I read your email three times while I pondered what to say to you. Your words touched my heart.

Let’s start with your question. No, I don’t believe you must forgive your father. Forgiveness is something only you can give. It should be offered if and when you are ready.

I cannot truly understand how you feel, but I can imagine your loneliness as a boy and a teen. This negative connection with your father was not the relationship you needed. I wish I could go back in time and be there for you as a child. Someone should have helped you deal with an alcoholic parent.

You are worthy. Your life is worthwhile. I’m glad you were born. You have a right to be here. You deserve joy. Serving in the military is an exemplary choice and I am grateful for the sacrifices you make for all of us.

Emotional trauma is real. Childhood trauma can last into adulthood. Your feelings about your father are strong. Have you thought of counseling? Seeing a therapist doesn’t mean you’re weak or a failure. It simply means you’re taking care of your mental health, just as you care for your physical health. A therapeutic relationship will help you sort out your deep feelings about your father. It seems you think of him enough to cause you distress.

I don’t recommend counseling because I hope it will encourage connection with your father. How you handle a possible future relationship with him is your choice. You may confront him one day. You may remain indifferent. Working through your feelings is for you, not for him.

You say you doubt you will be a father. There are many ways to connect with young people. You may be an excellent mentor. You may be a dedicated coach. If you do have relationships with young people, do so openly and with kindness. You are not your father. Life is richer with connection. Please do not be afraid to love. Saying I love you and showing affection to others is manly.

I hope you find peace. Thank you for writing an email that may help fathers realize their importance in the lives of their children.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.