Nov 18, 2021 4 min read

Q. I’m very worried about this “Squid Game” show. I read in the news that elementary school kids are acting it out at school. My daughter is in fifth grade. How do I find out if she’s involved without her lying? I don’t want her exposed to such things.

Worried mom

Mary Jo’s Response: Let’s take a closer look at two things.

First, let’s look at your question about your daughter’s possible involvement. You say you’re worried she may lie to you. Let’s think about communication.

Many children do lie, of course. The younger the child, the less slick they are in their deception. A 3-year-old who sneaks a chocolate chip cookie may have crumbs on the floor and on clothing, but respond with a bold “No” when asked if a cookie was eaten. As children grow older, some continue lying. A lot depends on the child and the parents. If children are afraid to tell the truth, they may lie to protect themselves.

A theorist named Kohlberg hypothesized that humans develop their moral standards over time. Small children do what they are told for fear of punishment. As we mature, we evolve to do the right thing simply because it is the right thing. When young children lie or make mistakes, reacting with love and respectful communication can model positive behavioral change.

If children at your daughter’s school are indeed acting out a TV show, why would she want to lie to you? Would she be afraid to tell you the truth? Is it possible she fears your potential reaction? Communicate your unconditional love for her. Do not judge her – especially, please do not judge her by the behavior of others, or by what you hear on the news or from other parents. She is your daughter. Respect her.

As to exposure to “such things,” please believe me, talking about the show with her is OK. She’s probably heard about it from other children. What if she knows nothing about the show? Talk with her anyway. Communicating about the show with her will give you a chance to teach her. When parents process controversial topics with their children they prepare them for real life. You are your daughter’s first teacher. Who better than you to talk with her about something troubling? Please note, I said talk with her, not at her. Communication involves listening to hear her. Let her know it’s safe for her to share.

Now, let’s talk about “Squid Game” itself. So many young people were talking about the show that I made myself watch it. I’ve always tried to read the Young Adult books teens select and view the movies or shows they discuss. I’ve created whole lesson plans using young people’s culture. For example, during the Twilight craze, we discussed which relationship was healthier, Bella and Edward or Bella and Jacob.

Spoiler alert – they both had unhealthy elements.

Each encounter with a young person is a cross cultural experience. I learn from them, just as I learned about other cultures when I taught in Russia and China.

“Squid Game” is gory and violent. Children’s games like Red Light, Green Light are used as ways to eliminate contestants in a high-stakes event. Elimination means death.

There are lessons in “Squid Game,” but the sheer number of bloody corpses makes it challenging to use the show as a teachable moment for children, in my opinion. I do think discussion about the way the characters’ desperation leads them to make choices they regret might be a way to teach your daughter your values and link them to the show.

I wouldn’t encourage a young person your daughter’s age to view the show, however. You can still teach her the truth about the “games” in the show. Tell her you are the adult in her life who will help her figure out what she sees and hears at school. Reassure her of your love.

Share you will not overreact if she shares what she hears or sees, and then keep that promise. Be honest. If you feel upset, articulate the obvious – you’re not upset with her, but you don’t like the situation.

We are parents when days are easy and parents when they are challenging. You are your daughter’s mom. Be there for her with consistency and kindness. You’ve got this!

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.