Sep 2, 2021 5 min read

When I received this week’s question, it sounded very familiar. I looked back through my past columns and found two on the subject, one from September 2007 and one from September 2019. Some life challenges are timeless. The question from today follows.

The first question is from 2007:

Q. I’m not in any classes this year with my friends. I hate that. Every day I make myself go to school but I hate the idea of going because I don’t know anyone in my classes and no one talks to me. How do I make new friends?

12- year-old

Mary Jo Response in 2007: New things can feel very hard. Whenever we are in new situations it’s normal to feel left out and confused. You’re out of your comfort zone. I’m proud of you for pushing yourself every day.

Try thinking about other people a little more than yourself. Look around and see if anyone else is alone. Take a deep breath, in and out, focusing on the air leaving your body. Try to relax – then talk to a new person. You may not be the only one who feels lonely.

Share your feelings with parents and adults in your life. They will probably remember feelings just like yours. Join a club or volunteer to help others. Stay connected to your old friends – they may have similar feelings. I was very interested in our peer educator response to your question; it’s been a long time since I went to middle school! Their response is excellent – give their suggestions a try. Good luck and keep in touch.

Peer Educator Response in 2007: Try talking to the kids in your classes, they might surprise you and be really cool! School can be a time where you meet the people you stay friends with for a long time. Open yourself up and talk to new people or you will never meet anyone. Old friends are good to have but you need to talk to other people as well. This is a new opportunity for you to make new friends. Some of them may be in the same situation and need a friend also. You can also use this time to concentrate more on your studies instead of socializing in class.

The second question is from 2021:

Q. We’re finally back at school in person and, guess what? Not a single friend is in my classes. Not one person. I don’t know anyone. I don’t even see my old friends at lunch. How do I make new friends?

13- year-old

Mary Jo Response: Thank you for reaching out. Please read the column above from 2007. I hope it will help to see you are not alone in your feelings. I hear you. Your loneliness is challenging.

I responded to another similar question in 2019. I worked with our 2019 peer educators to find some hints for making new friends. I hope they help.

1. Be you. The wall by our Teen Center meeting space holds this saying, “Be Yourself: Everyone Else is Taken.” New friends should know the real you.

2. Breathe. Take deep, slow breaths to center yourself before you enter school in the morning, the lunch room, or a new classroom space. Your body is amazing. You can ease your own anxiety just through your breathing!

3. Think of others and respect them. Notice people who seem isolated. Not everyone is surrounded by friends. Take a moment to be other-directed. Help someone out. Offer to carry books or help with assignments.

4. Smile. Take the time to smile and show kindness to others. A smile will make you seem approachable.

5. Ask questions about others. People like those who listen. Ask a question to new people that draws attention to them. Introduce yourself and ask, “Have you always gone to this school?” Give a sincere compliment, “You seem really good at math. I like it too.” Try starting a conversation. If it falters, remember you can start another with someone else.

6. Dress with confidence. It may sound simple, but feeling good about how we look can give us courage.

7. Join activities. Your school has many clubs. Check out what interests you. Volunteering to be part of a group provides connection. You don’t need a hundred friends; sharing common interests will help you find a few others like you and your friendships will grow.

8. Remind yourself you’re worthy. You are a person of worth. Think about your many good qualities. Visualize your success. Find one good thing about every day.

9. Stay connected with trusted adults. Talk with your parents and teachers and share your feelings. Study hard. Teachers will notice when you’re engaged in class. Being noticed can lead to in-school opportunities.

10. Come to our Common Ground Teen Center. It’s at 92 N. Main Street in Washington and is open from 4 to 8 p.m. Monday through Friday. We promise you’ll be treated with respect.

Good luck! You’ve got this!