Apr 7, 2022 3 min read

Q. Everyone thinks I’m happy, but I’m not. I look happy. My teachers think I’m happy. My parents think I’m happy. My grandparents, too.

I’m a senior. I graduate soon. I’ve been accepted to college, my grades are good, I look like I’m ready to move on. I don’t want to go to college. I want to be a carpenter. I want to make things with my hands – beautiful things, like furniture or cabinets. I don’t dare tell my parents that.

Everyone in my family has a degree. My parents have more than one. My oldest sibling graduated college and my next oldest is a college student now. All my life, it was assumed I would go to college. How do I break my family’s heart and tell them this isn’t what I want?

I’m even willing to go to college in the fall and give it a chance. I just want them to know this is not my dream, this is not my path. Should I tell them? How?

– 18-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Yes, you should tell them.

Your life is yours to live. I admire your insight into what brings you joy. I think your willingness to attend college to “give it a chance” is reasonable, although tuition may make this experiment a costly one. You don’t mention financial concerns; it’s possible you don’t need to incur debt. The college experience can be positive, no matter your final path.

Many people think college is the best choice, but it is not for everyone. What matters is what inspires you. Carpentry is an art and a worthwhile profession. There are many wonderful ways to live a life of purpose without a college degree.

Often we make assumptions about others’ reactions without cause. Yes, your family expects you to go to college, but you don’t know how they will feel when they hear your sincere request to try a different life path. You could be worrying for nothing. Give your family a chance. If they reject your plan, your worst fears are realized, but you could be pleasantly surprised.

How you tell them is personal. Be honest, be respectful, choose a stress-free time, and start with the family member you feel will be most empathic to your needs. Once you have one person’s support, it will be easier to share your dreams with the rest of your family.

You are worthy of happiness. Please be brave and reach for it. You can do this.

Peer Educator Alumnus Response: I am you, 15 years older. I did what my family expected without telling them what I wanted. I wanted to be an artist. I not only did undergrad, I became a lawyer. I hated law school. I passed the bar and started practicing law and was miserable. It’s taken me over a decade of life to find my path. I’m happy now. No one can live your life but you. I believe you get one chance. Tell your family how you feel and follow your dreams. I am now. Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.