Apr 28, 2022 4 min read

Q. Is it possible to experience grief years after a loss, even if you didn’t seem to grieve at the time? Let me explain. My little brother had leukemia and died when I was 8 and he was 4. I have vague memories of my parents being with him at the hospital a lot and feeling lost because our family was a mess. I remember staying with my mom’s friends during the funeral, and then I remember my parents splitting up and life never returning to normal. I decided to study psychology with the plan of being a therapist, and here I am, 22 years old, thrilled to be starting grad school, yet feeling grief over the loss of a brother I can barely remember. Do you think this is grief or something else? I don’t remember anyone talking with me about his death. I wonder why I wasn’t taken to the funeral. I recently went to his grave for the first time. I had you in high school and knew you would respond. Thank you. – 22-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I am touched to be remembered. My students mean a great deal to me and hearing from you is a great gift.

How amazing it is to find you are starting grad school with the plan of being a therapist! You are reframing your own childhood pain and grief into a life path where you will help others.

You are really asking me three questions.

To answer your first question, yes, it is very possible to experience grief years after a loss. Grief is deeply individual and has no parameters or time frame. It just is. A teen many years ago told me losing her beloved twin was like having to carry around a heavy wet blanket. She said, when she first woke in the a.m., she sometimes forgot about the blanket, and, for a brief moment, she was happy and free of grief. The blanket always returned.

As a therapist, you will encounter many who grieve. Grief can change, but linger. A few of your clients will experience prolonged grief and therapy will be needed. You will assess those who seek you out and help them.

Your second question asks if it is possible to grieve a sibling you barely remember. Could you be grieving the loss of the life you had before you brother was diagnosed with leukemia? After he was ill, your life changed. When he died, your parents divorced. Your grief involves the loss of much more than your brother.

Your third question: Do you think this is grief or something else? has a straightforward answer. It is definitely grief, but, as I said, the grief is complicated. I wish someone had been open with you when your brother died. The concept of death’s permanence is challenging for small children; you were probably old enough to grasp it at some level. At the least, an adult can help a child process their feelings.

I’m glad you went to your brother’s grave. I’m pleased you are allowing yourself the space to think about this difficult time in your life. I’m proud of your goals. In grad school, as part of my counseling program, we did a lot of introspection. I am sure your program will involve the same. A counselor or mentor can help.

Good luck in your chosen profession. I wish you joy.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.