Aug 4, 2022 4 min read

Q. This is my final year of college. COVID made some of my experience less than perfect, but I adjusted. I’m not writing about school. I love my campus, I love my professors, I love my major. In a year, I will be qualified to sit for my nursing boards. I will be the nurse I’ve dreamed of becoming since I was a young teen. I know you’re a nurse, and I know you love it. I admire the way you listen with your heart. Please tell me if I’m doing something wrong.

I’ve been a good daughter, but, when I graduate, I’m leaving my mother’s house for good. My parents divorced when I was 10. I don’t blame my dad; my mom is really hard to live with. He remarried. I stayed most of the time with my mom because she guilted me into it. Leaving for college was like a new life for me. I love my mom, but I cannot grow as a person near her. I will stay in touch with my dad, but I need to distance myself from my mom. I always knew there was something off about her, even as a child. It was only in my second year of college that my dad told me the truth. My mother has a borderline personality and a narcissistic one. She judges everyone harshly, especially me.

I’ve tried talking with Mom and tried getting her to see a therapist again. She knows about her diagnoses. She blames her behavior on them, saying, “What do you expect, I’m borderline.”

I know it’s nearly impossible to treat these disorders. I’ve worked this out with my counselor and my fiancé. I’m not changing my mind. Only, please tell me. Am I a horrible person for walking away from her? I know this is just how she is. I feel guilty but I know in my heart this is the only way I can be myself.

– 22-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: You are not a horrible person. You are a person worthy of joy and respect. You have the right to create the life you deserve.

The National Institute of Mental Health describes borderline personality disorder as a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to regulate their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.

Mayo Clinic lists narcissistic personality disorder as a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

Yes, it is challenging to treat these disorders, but newer, evidenced-based treatment can make symptoms less severe and improve quality of life. Your mom may benefit from treatment with a therapist who specializes in personality disorders. You say you tried to get her to see a therapist again; it would be wonderful if she returns, but you are not responsible for her choices.

You’ve discussed your plans with your counselor and your fiancé. You are not making this decision lightly. May I suggest you distance yourself with kindness? Try to avoid saying hurtful things. You can love your mom and still feel separation is healthy for you.

The stigma associated with having a family member with a mental illness can cause denial. You are entering a profession where compassion is a skill. Follow your heart and take care of your needs, but try to remember your mother is not well. Articulate your love for her as you leave.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.